Father Time Puns

Yeah, he can clock you a good one.

shoulder this bird, hun.

But i’m dad serious

and make it snappy”.

I hated eating anywhere with him, now I think it’s funny. Help, I’m turning into my father.

Son: how do I catch a fish?

Dad: Easy, just throw this clickbait into the water.

Son: Got it, what’s next?

Dad: What happens next will shock you.

And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…

He was a late boomer

Son: I know Mum already told me. She also said that uncle Mike is the stork.

The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Every single punchline is 'week'

I knew this was a fly by night operation

Justin

...he has a son who thinks he’s wrong...

I get texts like this often

My dad sends my whole family his mini movies

"Written, voice & Directed by me. Moon played your mother."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqbvF-nX9YQ

Day breaks and night falls.

Him: Do you wipe with your left or right hand?

Me: Uh, My right hand.

Him: That's disgusting, I wipe with paper.

"It's like you have no time on your hands anymore!"

My seven year old daughter was jumping on the bed when she clutched her mouth, fell and yelled out, "Dad, I kneed my teeth!"

I replied, "you're right, you do need your teeth, and you will for a long time."

She punched me in the face.

'Did you hear about that shooting in Hounslow? Yeah, they closed the shop and everything: some guy had a starter pistol and was threatening to shoot everyone.'
<the sound of my mother and me shocked and putting on BBC News>
'The police said it was race related.'

An old-slow snail decides one day that he has had enough of the townsfolk belittling him for his pace. He spends about three-days making his way over to the Car-Dealership so that he can buy himself a sports car.

While at the dealership he asks the salesman if they will customize his Corvette for him. The Salesman replies, "Sure! What can we do for you!?"

The snail replies, "I would like you to paint a big, red "S" on the side of my car?"

The salesman says, confused, "Of course we can."

The customization is done and the Salesman turns to the Snail and says, "We're all finished, but I have to ask---While looking through your information I couldn't find any reason why you would want an 'S' on your car---Your first or last name doesn't start with 'S', So--Why the heck did you want that 'S' on your car?!"

The Snail turns to him and replies gently- " For years I have been tormented by the people of my town, and now I'll get to fly by them in my fancy sports-car, and they'll all say: 'Wow! Look at that 'S' Car go!"

Does your face hurt?

It's killing me!

His response: "Oh, we're making burgers tomorrow. I'll get some practice."

...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they were stored in my dadabase.…