A timely joke about a subreddit
Me: “so, there’s a subreddit called r/NatureIsFuckingLit...”
My husband (without missing a beat): “is it just filled with photos of the California wildfires?”
Too soon?
Another Timely Dad Joke
Looking at a clock:
What did the second hand say to the hour hand?
I haven't seen you in a minute!
A timely joke.
Whoever figured out how many days in a month using their knuckles had way too much TIME on their HANDS.
A timely joke by my boss
Our receptionist collected the mail, and I overheard the following conversation.
Receptionist: Here's a catalog about clocks.. does anyone want to read it?
Boss: What? That'd be such a waste of time.
Boss then proceeded to smile as I bust out laughing in the other room.
With Pirate bay in the news this joke is timely, if not funny
Dad: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
Me: That's easy, "arrr"
Dad: you'd think so but you'd be wrong. Its the "C"
Me: groan
Dad: But wait there's more... actually it might be the "P", because without a p a pirate is just irate!
Me: I'm so done
Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?
Because you have a Tutankhamun.
Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
Guess they should read the bio next time
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
I went skydiving today for the first time. This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the Plane and as we plummeted , he said:
"So , how long have you been an Instructor?"
I created a joke for my late father
He was supposed to be here 10 minutes ago to hear it tho...
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if he’s okay. He said, “Yeah, I’m great!”
I think it's time I stopped grinding my own cheese.
I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?
He said "There was a sail."
They are having a wheel problem at the station
First time posting here, please be lentil.
Was gonna tell you a time travelling joke but..
I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says “namaste.”
There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall!
Terrible king, but made a great ruler.
Since it’s spring time you could say.......
.........trees are releafed now
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
Best way to keep track of epic times!
What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...she’s sorry she ever married me.
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
Here’s my favourite politically incorrect joke of all time.
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest American President.
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
Whats the best time on a clock?
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. Nurse asked the rabbit what his blood type is
He replied " I am probably a Type O"
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...
After telling my kids 3 times I finally said: “why isn’t the dishwasher running!?”
Because it doesn’t have any feet!
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before he’ll laugh?
Time to put on the costume
A technique that has been used for decades
When you are at rock bottom in life...
A communism joke isn’t funny
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
