Opportune Puns

Should've called them heartbrakers

Starting with my severe drinking opportunity

If one store goes down, they will all go down.

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

• thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

I turned it on its side, now it’s endless opportunity.

well, he didn't let that opportunity go to waste

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”

They could call them coughy filters.

Son: Where are you in the photo?

Dad: That's me in the corner.

.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.

(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).

They should have been called "Ayeglasses."

Should see it as an opportunity

Cuz you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to go. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.

It was a mist opportunity.

....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.

Sails are through the roof!

Because heavy metals are toxic.

(I -22f- have created this joke when i was 15, I was waiting for an opportunity to disgust people with it. So here you go reddit lol)

God said he's giving me an opportunity to pass along to the new world but i missed the train.

Mom: “Matthew! Can you grab the screws please?”

Me: “Oh screw this.”

Mom: “Can you grab some nails?”

Me: “Yup.” Sees the curtains up “Oh wow you’re really nailing it.”

Mom: “The drills on the counter. Would you mind...”

Me: “Don’t worry. I know the drill by now.”

Hindsight is 2020 though.

“Frozen pizza” said my son, rolling his eyes.

“Exactly, my son. Frozen pizza.”

Watching the new season of The Chef Show on the Netflix, and in the Hog Island episode, John asks why cheese industry is so big there, and someone replies “it’s a beautiful place for dairy, it also it’s just a big dairy area”.

You mean.................................. a dairy-ah?

I’ll see myself out.