A favorable Punishment
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soul2413
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Public opinion was favorable for local farmer banning outsiders access to hills filled with mushroom on his land.

He had the morel high ground.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iuntti
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are bananas favored over grapes?

More apeel

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cephalopod that returned the favor?

It was your classic case of Squid Pro Quo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
It's Prime Day! Is there anything you favor?

I'm kind of partial to 7

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murphy223
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: The Supreme Court ruled in favor of Dad Jokes.

They deemed it cool and amusable pun-ishment

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I exchange sexual favors for frosties from Wendy's

I'm a frostitute

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaviDeberjerack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9

The odds were not in my favor

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between an old bus station and a crab with a boob job?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoltrenXytech
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.

He’ll come around, eventually.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MohanBhargava
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
While you're making your decision, here are some pros and cons:

Pros: Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Tom Brady

Cons: Al Capone, Frank Abagnale, Ted Bundy

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you offer calamari for a favor?

Squid pro quo

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmcalli
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm in favor of the US converting to the metric system

You could say I'm a pro-grammer.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dlight98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
is anyone else in favor of using contracted words as full sentences?

I'm.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/finestjuggler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.

It's pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bay-to-the-apple
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The only reason Walter White was so successful is because fortune favors the bald.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frantic_chair
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad goes to Mexican restaurants and shakes the empty chip container like a peddling homeless man and says : "Chips for the poor favor"

He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_var_log_messages
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
What type of chips do Feet favor?

Dori-Toes

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GivingGarden
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Fungi have thrived on Earth for more than 400 million years

You know what they say... history favors the mold.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bamboo-harvester
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss invited me to play a Par 3 this afternoon in exchange for sexual favors

I told him, "That's a little course"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toromio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the solicitor say when his brother asked him for a favor?

Brochure

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuckDonuts12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the vowels say to the consonants when the consonants did them a favor?

I O U

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiggleyWafflez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Just bought these two! Hopefully the market is in my favor
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fiiresong
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Bob:.. I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomy Jack:.. " That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"

Bob:..."Yes, they're in favor of it, 14 to 3..."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Sea life returning favors is Squid Pro Quo
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MayonnaiseUnicorn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What type of polypeptide chain is in favor of adolescents?

Pro-teen

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
🚨︎ report
For all you folks living with diabetes... (My daughter and I both have type 1.) Here’s the joke β€” What do you say when the waitress at the Mexican restaurant asks you if you want sauce with your carne asada?

A1C por favor

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
All in favor of making horse sounds say "aye"!

Opposed?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U-pu-36-ESM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
🚨︎ report
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4-year old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown...

...he still can't say "please", though, which I think is "poor for four".

Edit: "Por favor" is Spanish for please. :)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smdouglas2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally got to return the favor and dadjoke my dad.

I was watching Michael Collins, a movie about the Irish war of independence, when my dad walked into the room.

"Oh Michael Collins is on, when did it start?" He asked

"Around 1916" I responded

He groaned and then walked out of the room. After many years I have finally gotten him back. This is a pretty big moment for me guys.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arcticsandwich
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
🚨︎ report
My GF Asked Me For a Favor Because She Sucked

She wanted my help because she "...needs air in my tires and I suck." I told her that was her problem, that she should probably blow air into her tires instead!! No reaction from her...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMRoss90
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Favoring adolescents is good for your muscle building...

You need protein to be in shape

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_Berg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
🚨︎ report
I can take you to the airport, but you have to do me a favor too.

So, you have a terminal condition?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PurpleCapybara
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2015
🚨︎ report
A favor for my professor

In class today, my professor asked for someone to "flip off the lights" so we could start the movies. I was on the other side of the room from the light-switch but I did what I could...

I flashed a particular hand gesture toward the lights.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/italian6th
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Handman47
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the Indian restaurant forgets your bread?

It’s a naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I was hired as a chef at an Indian Restaurant..

Before they'd tell me their secret recipes, I had to sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/K3R3G3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I was so happy when my wife told me she's making Indian food for dinner that I wanted to do something nice and bought her flowers and chocolate.

I guess it's just her way to curry favor.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rasdit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Do horses like to read?

A man decides to see if he can teach his horse to read. He starts with fiction and finds that the horse actually enjoys it. He then works his way through non-fiction, suspense and fantasy, all with favorable results. However, when he tries philosophy the horse rears and kicks and destroys the stable, proving once and for all...

Never put Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherzeg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bad party gift from a mexican guy?

A por favor

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrebsVonswagen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Β Abbott and Costello Β routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Β The skit ends with a simple β€˜read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. Β This routine was done Β many Β times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10 Β 
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right. Β [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"Breathe you idiot!"

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SrirachaFlash
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9

The odds were not in my favor

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I just met a 4 year old that can't say please in Spanish

That's Por favor

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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