Viagro.
He didnβt want to be an Olympic Schwimmer.
They're a pane to replace
Should've called them heartbrakers
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
If one store goes down, they will all go down.
If they do a good job I'll be floored.
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" π).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
I thought that's nice, equal opportunities employer.
I turned it on its side, now itβs endless opportunity.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
They could call them coughy filters.
well, he didn't let that opportunity go to waste
They should have been called "Ayeglasses."
When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing
βI c-canβt believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthdayβ
Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.
Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.
Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, βHOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!β
To which the thief replies, βYou let your guard downβ
.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.
(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).
Sails are through the roof!
Mom: βMatthew! Can you grab the screws please?β
Me: βOh screw this.β
Mom: βCan you grab some nails?β
Me: βYup.β Sees the curtains up βOh wow youβre really nailing it.β
Mom: βThe drills on the counter. Would you mind...β
Me: βDonβt worry. I know the drill by now.β
God said he's giving me an opportunity to pass along to the new world but i missed the train.
Should see it as an opportunity
Because heavy metals are toxic.
(I -22f- have created this joke when i was 15, I was waiting for an opportunity to disgust people with it. So here you go reddit lol)
Hindsight is 2020 though.
....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.
Cuz you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to go. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.
It was a mist opportunity.
