There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall!
Terrible king, but made a great ruler.
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around eventually.
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
Itβs gave me thesaurus throat Iβve ever had.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
The Beatles once recorded a song about a blue underwater vehicle.
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
What does a log do once he gets to the gym
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Once I became a parent, I finally understood the . . .
scene where Yoda gets so tired of answering Luke's questions that he just dies.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Why canβt a boat leave from two places at once?
Because that involves a paradox.
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︎ Apr 21 2021
My feces told me a joke once
It was the funniest shit I'd ever heard.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I once fucked a person...
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 24 2021
Earth Day comes once a year, but...
Sunday comes once a week.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I once had a dyslexic chemist call me out on my bullshit.
He called me a hypochlorite.
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︎ Apr 19 2021
I tried street racing once and lost.
I was out of breath after two blocks, but the street kept going for miles.
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︎ Mar 13 2021
- I once got fired from a canned juice company.
- I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg once...
....sadly, she broke it off."
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I had a rooster that could count once...
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.
She took it as a condiment.
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Once upon a time at the opposite of the beginning
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I once made a belt out of one dollar bills.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
I Once Found a Himalayan Deer
Seen Himalayan On The Side Of The Road.
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 23 2021
I was once addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I tried smoking pot once.
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I once went to the CNN broadcasting station. They had an aquarium full of rubber amphibians.
Just as I feared... fake newts everywhere!
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 26 2021
A skeleton almost killed me once...
He didn't have the guts to finish the job.
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︎ Mar 10 2021
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
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︎ Nov 20 2020
There was a civil war at the North Pole once, but the elves don't talk about it much...
It was a cold war. Also a short war, with little casualties.
It lasted six months. The truce came after the elves realized they'd wasted the whole day fighting.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I once boiled a funny bone...
It became a laughing stock.
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︎ Feb 25 2021
I once wanted to read a publication about aquatic mammals...
but it remained a book with seven seals to me.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Dostoevsky once wrote: "Beauty will save the world".
After seeing my mother-in-law, it seems like there's gonna be war.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
Once upon a time a broken sword told me it was the best weapon in the world...
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︎ Apr 16 2021
So I once sent someone a joke about the alphabet in the mail...
but I guess they never got the letters.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I once dated an anesthetist...
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I won a spelling bee once, my friend said I was very smart...
I told him I put the "j" in jenius.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Once a coin saved a person's life, the coin was in his shirt pocket, the coin deflected the bullet shot at him
The coin was truly his life savings
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 08 2021
My dad always told me to "Measure twice, cut once"...
One day he measured once but cut twice and lost his job as a Rabbi.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
Chewbacca of Star Wars was once a great baseball player in The Major Leagues. . . . . .
Seriously, he won Wookie of the year.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 26 2021
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.
It was a evil idea in Heinz- sight.
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 09 2021
I was kidnapped by mimes once
They did unspeakable things to me
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︎ Oct 20 2020
I overdosed on Viagra once....
π︎ 178
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︎ Jan 12 2021
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once
π︎ 51
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Someone once asked me if I was 'getting jiggy with it'.
I furiously shook my head and said "Nah... nah... nah nah nah.. nah-nah-nah. Nah nah.. nah nah-nah nah."
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︎ Apr 01 2021
I once took a trip to Seattle on a plane in which the stewards only served candy made when peanut butter meets milk chocolate...
I don't know how far this Reese eating airline goes...
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I was married to a mime once.
Then one day, he left without a word :(
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 10 2021
There was once a King who was 12 inches tall....
Terrible King, but a great ruler .
π︎ 33
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I once dated a girl with a wooden leg.
π︎ 93
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︎ Feb 16 2021
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