[Meta] can we make it a rule that any comment from pun patrol will result in an insta ban from this subreddit?
It is incredibly lame to see the same comment in each and every thread. Like I don’t understand what fun do they get.
Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
From Crackhead Craigslist
From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?
Because he lived in a pen!
So very proud!
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
My wife asked me if I could sing all the songs from the Shrek soundtrack. I said "No, just some."
"... BODY once told me..."
Smart dog originally from R/Memes but crossposts aren’t aloud
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"
I ordered a Caesar salad from the restaurant for lunch today.
They absolutely killed it.
I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day
Wife: who’s skull is that
Me: a man named Phillip
Wife: what’s in it?
Me: vodka and orange juice.
Wife: .......
Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver
I resigned from the ironing board.
Too many pressing issues and no way to de crease the number of suits against us.
Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
I come from a family of magicians.
My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
- I once got fired from a canned juice company.
- I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
Someone removed the 5th month from all my calenders
Someone stole the toilet from the police station
They have nothing to go on
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk
If you suffer from carsickness...
Have you heard about the typist from the 90's?
She misspelled millennium and spaced out
A doctor moved from LA to Portland.
It was an Oregon transplant.
When my doctor told me I had a deviated septum, I asked him how different it was from the average.
"Standard deviation", he replied.
From r/askreddit's thread "If your sex life was a country, what country would it be and why?"
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
I used to date a stewardess from Helsinki
I dropped her off at work one day and she vanished into Finnair
We’re you aware that the NFL has a rule on professional athletes and the animals they can own as pets? They are prohibited from owning a duck as a pet!
How do you tell a penis apart from testicles?
There's vas deferens between them.
I'm trying to get better at making jokes from blending words together, but all my attempts turn out bad
Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
I always wondered how Wonder woman travelled from Themyscira to London in 1 day...
I then realized she's an amazon, so she gets next day shipping
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance...
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...
Don't know what they were laced with, but I was tripping all day.
From a friend: Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts if you’re vaccinated.
Why not a cough-fee instead?
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
From my 10 year old son: Why did the coffee taste like dirt?
How long does it take to get the Belgium waffle all the way from Belgium?
I overheard an older gentleman asking the waitress this before ordering at the diner.
When I'm running late dropping my kids off at daycare, I call in to my 8am Zoom meeting from my car.
I call it, "phoning it in."
Why shouldn't you trust news from a raisin?
I don't get how it's possible to reduce the social distancing requirement from six feet to three feet.
In almost all cases its impossible to have three feet between 2 people.
So I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
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