Cold Outside Puns

You go outside and it is cold.

I said ‘they’re not bare feet, they’re man feet’.

Mine have been standing out there for over an hour and won't even come in when I call.

We felt so sorry for him because the poor guy was completely covered in snow, but this morning, he had just vanished!

Not a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!

The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!

That's the thanks we get for being good to people?!

I'm warning all of you to watch out for this man!

He is a heavy set, white guy, wearing nothing but a scarf.

He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny, they look like sticks.

Whatever you do, don't bring him into your house!

We are having Chicken Burrrrito’s.

It's usually 90 degrees

"My ears are freezing so bad, they hurt!"

"I'm so sorry; what about your months?"

When was grandfather was still around and any of use grand children would say it was cold outside, he would always reply with this.

>You're right, it's a tit-bit nippley, breast get inside and turn on the heat.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

Our subs are 12 inches, even if it's cold outside.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today.

Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold

We live in the cold state and I didn’t have enough fridge space for a case of Arizona ice tea. So I put it out the sliding door.

My son asks “why are there two cases of Arizona outside?”

I said “just trying to warm things up a bit...”

He just stared at me for 5 seconds then walked away.

Because it's too cold out tide (outside)

I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.

I picked up my daughter after being outside in the cold and she started squirming from the touch of my ice cold hands. My wife asked for her back and I said "not unless you pry her from my cold dad hands"

"That is correct," I replied.

He said, "Would you be able to work outside those hours?"

I said, "No, I might catch a cold."

My wife and I were sitting outside last night and it's been really cold here for the month of May. We live in Floyd County, Indiana.

Wife: "It sure is cold for the month of May."

Me:" Must be this weather in Floyd County during the month of May. I guess you could call it "Floyd Mayweather".....

It's a family tradition to make homemade chili when it gets cold out. My girlfriend and I went through a full size crocpot of it in one afternoon. The next day I stepped outside for a smoke and suddenly, it hit me like my ass had just struck oil. I ran inside, scrambling towards the back of the house, but she thought I was running in from the cold and asked, "Chilly out, babe?" To which I replied "All of it!!!!"

edit:grammar

Was out at dinner with my wife. We were seated outside since it wasn't that cold. As we were seating, a lady with an awesome steampunk themed tattoo walked by. Unfortunately she was also wearing a top that showed off her cleavage.

SO: What are you looking at?

Me: Her tattoo, look it's awesome.

SO: HA! Yeah more like you're looking at her TITS-TWO!

... she asked me, "are any hot?"

I said, "Yes, Mercury and Venus are hot because they are so close to the sun."

She asked, "Are any cold?"

"Yes, the ones outside our orbit are cold. Mars, Jupiter and so on."

"What color are they?", she asked...

"Well, the Earth is blue and green, Mars is red because of iron, Jupiter has a cool red spot..."

"What color is Uranus?"

.... .... ....

"It's brown, and very windy."

This one was me getting my dad.

Me-puts beer in snow outside window to keep cold

Dad- that's convenient.

Me- you know what they say, "when in snow, do as the snowmans."

About 7 years ago, I started working for a company named Shaw, and they gave me a bunch of shirts and a really ugly sweatshirt. I kept trying to give away the sweatshirt, but nobody wanted it. One day, I had a party, and somebody took the shaw shirt because they didn't bring a jacket and it was cold outside.

My girlfriend at the time said it was "The Shaw-Shirt Redemption".

I had never been more proud.

My Dad told this one a few months ago during a family dinner...

During the Cold War, an American ambassador and his wife were having dinner with a Russian ambassador and his wife. The meal was going well and everyone was having a good time until the American looked out the window and commented on the weather, "Looks like it is snowing outside." The Russian, named Rudolph, replied, "No, it's definitely raining." The debate went on for a few minutes and became quite heated until finally the American's wife spoke up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Scene: Mum, Dad, and I, at party/bonfire thing, sitting outside in a gazebo, attempting to enjoy the relaxing night. Wind is making things rather chilly.

Mum (wrapped in blanket): "It would be rather nice if it wasn't so cold." *sighs* "This wind sucks."

Dad and I, simultaneously: "No, it blows." *high-five*

My Grandfather passed it on to my dad who I picked it up from and now my son just looks at me. It works for almost everything.

-Anyone: "geez it's cold outside"

-me: "yeah it's not very warm either"

Or

-"look how small that car is" -"it's not very big either"

"I think that guy is sleeping over there" "Yeah, he's not very awake either"

So yeah, not the best, but it's somthing I constantly do whenever I can think of the opposite.

The computer at the liquor store froze while I was on cash. An older guy placed his booze on the counter and I said, "sorry, I can't serve you right now, the computer is froze." He looks me in the eye, says "well, it is pretty cold outside" and then walked away.

We were outside and I was so cold I was shivering. Being the good friend he is, he offered me his leather jacket.

Now, my friend is this skinny little dude, and I'm a heavier set guy.

Me: What is it a medium? Sorry, but I'm an XL dude.

My friend: Really, I always pictured you as a powerpoint kinda guy.

Goodness is sure is cold today.

You know what kind of shoes you should wear when it is cold outside? No.

BRRRkinstocks.

We are driving to Wales (for a family holiday), and Dad points out the window at some fields with cows in.

DAD: Boy, it must be cold outside!

US: Why?

DAD: Those cows are Friesian!

He was the only one who laughed at first, in true Dad tradition.

When you go outside and it’s cold.

Because it's too cold outside... Thanks to friend at the bar.