I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.
I was sitting in the lobby of a hotel last night waiting for my lift. Two former chess champions were seated nearby, raving on about their past glories. I had to leave…
I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
My friend asked me what I do when or if I happen to see a tiger nearby...I said...
What do you call horses who live nearby?
How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?
A cemetery nearby just raised its burial cost...
they blamed it on the cost of living.
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
I heard thunder nearby, so I ran around and turned on all the lights.
When kids asked me why, I said "where's there's thunder, there's lighting!"
What does an animal do when a predator is nearby?
I worked security at a chemical plant. There had been a string of robberies at nearby chemical plants, and one night... lo and behold- we heard the alarm...
My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…
How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.
When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
Why are cats considered mindful when their is an open gift box nearby?
Because they always live in the present.
What do you call a group of horses and male swine that live on a farm nearby?
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...
...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses
A farmer was trying his best to remove his cows from a nearby marijuana plantation
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
My mother’s boss spelt this on the sign outside the nearby nursery (not gonna lie I think it’s actually pretty funny)
Did you ever hear about the knight that always had enemies nearby?
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies
What do you call a nearby roof that's been in the sun all day?
Hot shingles in your area.
A fox went to a nearby ATM machine, and took out his card.
A girl nearby and a monkey screamed, "Swiper, no swiping!"
There's an Indian restaurant nearby that always burns their bread. If you sit too close to the kitchen it can be hard to breathe.
Which is strange because it's the naan smoking section.
Last night I watched a performance of the accapella group from the nearby army base.
I hear there is a new store opening up nearby, and it’s called Moderation.
They say it has everything in it.
Did you hear about that robbery of all the toilets in the nearby college?
Police say they have nothing to go on
After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...
... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'
This is a true story, happened today.
On a family holiday to Bruges, we decided to walk to the nearby town of Damme. En route, my Dad said to my sister "your hair looks sort of OK today"
He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"
If you fart nearby someone...
I live in a remote town. We're building a train station to encourage travel to nearby places.
All thanks to a strong local motive.
So the morgue nearby claims to have the best facilities to take care of corpses after they're dead...
They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there.
There's a scarcity of parking space in our vicinity but our premises are relatively big. So, I regularly help nearby companies by offering them a space for their cars on our grounds.
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle...
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.
"Thanks!" the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
I told my friends I had the power to sense bread from India when it was nearby. Do you know what they said?
So my dad and I recently found out that the Daughter of Joseph Stalin lived nearby to us when my family moved in.
My dad suggested that we should have gone up to the house, climbed the steps, knocked on the door and asked:
"Hello, is Stalin?"
It still makes me sigh with disbelief that I never saw it coming.
My wife told me about a big garage sale nearby...
I told her we weren't in the market for a big garage.
Hearing a bell tower nearby
"Guess its that time again."
"What time?"
"Time to ring the bells."
In Yellowstone Park we came across a tree that was dying from the heat coming off a nearby geyser
I told my gf I bet that tree is thinking 'damn, geyser killing me'
My mom mentioned that the play Wicked is going to be playing nearby.
Mom- considering 3 of the 4 of us like Wicked and the other hasn't seen it before...
Me- How wicked of you.
Rest of family- Hardy har har
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
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