How do you clean your hands at the North Pole?
You use hand Santa-tizer.
I thought I'd try my hand at snail racing.
My thinking was that if I take their shells off, that they'd be lighter and quicker.
All it did was make them a bit sluggish.
What is it called When a midget looks at you and happily starts waving his hand.......
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
I tried my hand at macrame and felt bad about it.
When I looked at my finished work, I realized that I did something that was very knotty.
I used to be a pro at washing my hands.
But now I'm all washed up.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied “Yes, after you’ve taken time to heal”
I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
So I tried my hand at cinematography...
... but it didn't really pan out
My first hand account at getting dad joke'd.
I was working nightshift at McDonalds and a dad and his son wanted some ice cream, chocolate, specifically. The machine wasnt acting right so I interjected and said, "the chocolate ice cream works, it's just acting funny" and the dad swoops in and asks, "does it tell jokes?
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
I looked mysteriously at my son and whispered, "I steal candy bars using sleight of hand!"
"So I guess you could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve!"
Talking to my GF " so I got this from a chick at work today" (hand her a piece of paper) daughter freaks out in the background, "a chick?!? I wanna see I wanna see can I hold it?" Lmao
Captain Hook bought his prosthetic limb at a second hand store.
I broke my finger at work today, on the other hand I'm completely fine.
I tried to talk to two strangers today and they both whisked their hands at me and told me to get lost.
I guess you could say I got a brand new pair of shoos.
So the Atlantic and Pacific oceans were arm wrestling. At first the Pacific was winning, but then the Atlantic started to gain the upper hand.
You could say the tides have turned.
Ill be here all night folks.
I can tell a lot about my wife’s mood just by looking at her hands.
For example: If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
Someone had the nerve to laugh at my enormous hands
I killed him with my bear hands.
Palm readers are great at focusing on the matter at hand.
At the restaurant last night my friend, with idle hands, tore the bill clean in half, "oops."
"That's okay," I said, "I think they accept split bills."
I'm baffled at the fact that my cat always shakes (my hand) when I ask her to.
She always gives me paws.
My uncle got his left hand caught in a machine at work
But on the other hand he's alright. Don't worry.
I have Promotional Bracelets to hand out at my comic shop, but people can't let the police see...
Today I was waiting have a cavity filled at the dentist when the assistant hands me the smart tv remote to put something on while I wait.
So I say “Nothing like a little Netflix and drill”
I'm not a good cook, but I tried my hand at making sausage recently
At dinner, I started eating my food with my hands...
Wife: ewww...use a fork. That's disgusting!
Me: I'm sure the food will taste as good as it did before-hand.
I decided to try my hand at house flipping
I tried my hand at selling rabbits.
They were breeding faster than I could sell them. It ended up being a hare raising experience.
I tried my hand at dancing today and was awful at it. I took my shoes off and realized why...
After failing as a teacher, my brother tried his hand at insect-arachnid cross-breeding.
I'm getting tired of his stupid ant-ticks!
I met Olaf the snowman at Disney this weekend and his hands were really sticky.
An old couple sitting next to my boyfriend and I at Hibachi asked the chef when he'd begin to cook the food. He replied, "When I get around to it." The couple proceeded to hand him this.
I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"
I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.
I made a purchase at a second-hand store that added up to $20.16
I complained to the lady that that was last year's price.
She laughed after a few moments of confusion. Was nice to see the smile on her face.
Happy Monday!
The teenager at [insert fast food restaurant here] hands me my food and says "Sorry for the wait"
To which I reply "That's okay, I will lose it eventually"
Did you hear about the coder who tried his hand, and failed, at cooking?
Supermarkets are trying their hand at it too
My five-year-old son trying his hand at a dadjoke. Really needs to work on his setup.
Son: Can I have something to drink?
Me: Yeah I'll go get you some water.
Son: Hello thirsty!
At a wedding last night and I heard the "upper hand" dad joke.
Omg it was so amazing. The dad was like "my new daughter take your hands and place them face up. my son, my friend my boy, take your hands and place them face down. Now look into each others eyes and take in this moment, as it the last time....... that you will have the upper hand."
I started screaming immediately I loved it so much. Everyone at our table went gung ho for it we were dying. Groans and sighs were heard but I was screaming. SO DAMN GOOD
My dad at a second hand
Me and my dad were at a new second hand that had just open up. We were standing by the books when he remarked about order the books stood in, or rather the lack of.
Dad: I can't find anything, it's like they just tossed them up.
Me: Definitely, on this shelf alone there's Sci Fi, fantasy and weight loss books.
Dad: Huh, so they're placed by category.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
