I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
What do you call a scoop of ice cream in your hand?
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
Trump's defeat is in his hands (Credit: how.how)
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
How many bones are in a human hand?
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500.
The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him
“This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.”
He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations..
“Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard!
The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs.
“NO honey it really works watch!”
“Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs.
“WAIT Honey, one more time, please!”
He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out
“CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
I quizzed my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Reluctantly, she admitted, "I have no idea. What?" I chuckled...
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
I just wish, that I had made early investments in hand sanitizer, on the Stock Markets..
.. Somebody, somewhere, is rubbing their hands together.
Justice severed OR Someone took his justice in their own hands CAN'T DECIDE...
If everyone in the world linked hands and stood in a straight line
My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face.
About time she slapped some cents into me.
- Excel is hands down the best software in Microsoft Office
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
There are relatively few films with Dracula in them. On the other hand, films without Dracula...
I’ve just won a few hands in poker.
Some people really will gamble anything.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand?
Today I went up to my coworker with a sample jar in each hand
And I said hey check this out, jar jar clinks and I clinked them together.
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
I heard someone played Animal Crossing: New Horizons for so long on end they conked out with the console still in their hands.
Looks like someone fell asleep at the Switch.
If I have 23 apples in one hand, and 33 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
What do I have if I have 8 red LEGO bricks in one hand and 16 blue LEGO bricks in the other hand?
A man leaps into the Doctor's office, flashlight in his mouth, both hands behind his back, screaming "It's the mawkew! Oh God the Mawkew!!...
...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"
The sign in the bathroom said “employees must wash hands”.
I waited over two hours for an employee to come in to wash my hands before I washed them myself and went home.
Took me awhile, but I was finally able to get my hands in some Iranian money for my coin collection!
I'm rial-ly developing a respectable collection, lemme tell ya!
I once got hand sanitiser in my eyes
You have no eye-dea how much it hurts.
What do you have if you 4 apples and 2 oranges in one hand and 3 lemons and a grapefruit in the other hand?
"Attention passengers: I'd like to personally welcome you to my first day as a railway conductor. Not to worry though, you're in very capable hands...
I've been training for this."
My daughter had to stick her hand in a sack to try to guess the type of material by touch...
Did you hear about the circumcisionist with a twitch in his hand???
He slipped and got the sack
My doctor was struggling to write my prescription when I said “Doctor, that’s a rectal thermometer in your hand!”
He replied, “Dammit! Some asshole’s got my pen!”
Me: *throws hands in resignation*
The guy whose hands I just amputated: *looks at me awkwardly*
Do you know how many bones I have in my hand?
How many bones are in your hand
I once saw an one handed man in a second hand store
I said to him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for sir.”
How many bones are in the human hand?
How many bones are in a human hand?
How many bones are in a hand?
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
How many bones are in your hand?
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
How many bones are in the human hand?
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