At Last Puns

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

I only have my shelf to blame!

Battered Fish Everywhere!

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

The bill was huge.

It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.

...police are still looking for leads.

Me: I played video games

Interviewer: Why were you terminated?

Me: I played video games.

Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.

Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:

Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!

I wish I would have found the food.

For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.

It was in tents!

Source: facebook Dad Jokes

So i pushed her over.

The suspense was killing me.

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

He was kicking himself.

It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.

Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in.

Even between the laughing and joking, the women in front of me insisted that we swap places, so I could get mine first.

I thought to myself at last a decent punchline

I’m not going to lie, his jokes were a little wooden. Boy...

I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.

"Sense us."

... we just clicked.

... But now it's growing on me.

I mite stay there again.

I now have a terminal hangover.

Cramen

They are late boomers.

“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.

His good buoy couldn't save him.

It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.

https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

Pretty good band, five stars.

I didn't want to let it down.

It's what he would've wanted.

And through it all, he offered me protection!

"It wasn't me."

If you do it you'll see why.

Me: "She won't Du et"

They really knew how to raise the roof.

Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face.

Nobody does that to a woman.... not on my watch

A friend asked me to tell it hello as they missed it. It didn't say anything back it just waved

When I told my coworker she asked how can men run naked without wearing any support.

Of course I said, it isn't hard.

> -- Which one, Sir?

> -- The kind of brownish reddish one?

> -- Uh, we've never had any reddish browns on sale.

> -- Oh. Then I guess it must have been a... pigment of my imagination.

They called it the Game of Groans.

I made a huge splash

I can't remember exactly how much but it was a fair amount.

He said, “It may be easy for you to say ‘hun, I do’, but I cantaloupe.”

I thought, “Same shit, different day.”

I'd never seen herbefore

I said, "Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments."

I didn't get the job ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Me: "I'll get the roast duck breast please"

Sis: "I'll have the duck legs"

Mom: "I'll get the fried duck wings"

Dad: "I'll get the bill"

I am proud to say I hit one of them

-Gary delaney

and the waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR??"

I said, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed... well, everyone except this one guy

"That's okay," I said, "I think they accept split bills."

Affogato the name.

It's about thyme.

I just had to have a Sioux veneer.

All right, everyone who wants to be in the painting, get on this side of the table.

Fortunately, the restaurant was used to separate czechs

It was really low key.

Queue me enthusiastically from my desk, “so what you’re saying is, you saw’ved all their problems?!”

They hate my humor.

Nestled, Dormant.

it was in tents.

Not sure its the best ceiling in the world, but it's up there.

My dad told me to get help because I was an aquaholic.

Waitress: "You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping?"

Me: "Sure I'll drop a beat"

Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed.

I was hoping the costume would have a more Commie-dick effect.

I accidently worked thru coffee break.....

I said, what happens if your throw misses? Do they become miss-steaks? Wife hung up the phone.

(True story, actually happened. )

Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral

We woke him up.

God knows what Santa must have thought of him.

(Debating on whether or not our dog Buddy can tell time)

"Of course Buddy can tell time! He's a watch dog!"

Last night, here in Mississippi, when I was at dinner, I encountered the strangest woman. She would sip her drink so loudly you could hear it across the room. Then when her soup came out, she brought the bowl to her mouth and took long sips. Then even when they brought out her ice cream dessert, she waited for it to melt and proceeded to sip that too!
When I watched all of this transpire, all that I could think to myself was

"Wow that Miss is sippy."

The news report said it happened at a crowbar

"Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"

Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am."

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

But it's up there.

It was the Radishon.