A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me at the bar last night
On another note, I suck at playing darts.
I was literally the only person at the cinema last night wearing a mask watching spider-man. I felt like such and idiot.
One guy even came over to me and said "oi mate! Can you even see in that thing"
My annoying neighbour knocked on my door at 3:00 A.M. last night.
Luckily I was still awake practicing my drums.
Last night, my wife screamed and yelled at me to take the spider out…
We went out for beers. Great talk! He wants to be a web developer one day.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school last week?
…It ended up not being a big deal, a classmate woke him up before he got caught 😴
Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"
Did you know that when you die, your body parts all die at different times? You know which part dies last?
Your pupils. They dilate.
I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt that Gloria Gaynor was at my bedside.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
So disappointed! I was supposed to have a story about masturbation in a major publication but at the last minute, they yanked it!
I forgot my coffee at work today so I got an affogato last minute
You could say I affogato my coffee
Told my kid, who's away at college, that we had dinner last night at her favorite Indian restaurant. The food was good but I'm tired this morning because I woke up at 2:39 with a rumbling stomach.
She doesn't have to worry though, because I woke up just in time. One minute later and it would have been too farty. 🌬️
Last night, my wife and I watched three movies back to back at home.
Luckily, I was the one facing the TV
Last Halloween I got lost at a haunted cannabis farm.
It was scary but I was in high spirits
My British friend managed to lose 30 pounds at the gym last week.
He forgot to pay his membership fee.
I’m pretty proud of myself. I finally finished a puzzle I’ve been working on for at least 2 hours a day for the last 3 months.
The outside of the box said 2-4 years.
I told my therapist, “Last night I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
She replied, “I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
True story: at the poolside last night, a bee briefly landed on my 11yo daughter's foot. She looked down and said "Awww, we shall name him....
Toby"
(I could not be more proud of her, the other dads present were jealously impressed)
So I was at the grocery store last night looking for some soy sauce, and I asked a staff member which one I should purchase. I couldn't tell the difference.
He said, "We're about to close, but come back and I'll Shoyu Tamari"
I met a physicist at Pride last month….
They identified as non-Newtonian gender fluid.
The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
6 strands of Kurt Cobain’s hair sold at auction in the last month for $14,000. You’d think it would have a very musty odor.
But really, it just smells like teen spirit.
Last time I went on vacation, the security person at customs asked me if I have any criminal convictions.
I didn't know that was a requirement.
A Galway Hooker at sunset last night
Were you at cashew's party last night?
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....
.....the mammothematician.
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
I bought the last ceiling fan they had at the store...
unfortunately, it was a floor model. My ankles are killing me!
Last month I launched a book aimed at children.
I’m pleased to say I hit one of them
I lost my job at the salvation army soup kitchen last night.
All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her
She ended up getting custardy
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
Last night, I got fed up at my wife criticizing my sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
Man last year was pretty bad, but at least I’m prepared for this year.
Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
There was a big fight at the campground last night.
So today was my barber's last day at the barbershop...
He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
My wife was disappointed at my idea to put her shoes outside last night......
I thought I'd just put the Fila's out there
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
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