I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
I lost my job at the salvation army soup kitchen last night.
All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
Last month I launched a book aimed at children.
I’m pleased to say I hit one of them
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
Man last year was pretty bad, but at least I’m prepared for this year.
Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020
I’ve decided at long last to become a plumber. I’m going to take the plunge.
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night...
So today was my barber's last day at the barbershop...
He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.
My wife was disappointed at my idea to put her shoes outside last night......
I thought I'd just put the Fila's out there
My last job was at the Scrabble factory.
I was responsible for making the T.
There was a big fight at the campground last night.
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her
She ended up getting custardy
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
I dined at a casual Indian restaurant last night...
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection...
Last night, I got fed up at my wife criticizing my sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
Did you hear about the guys that got drunk at a Trump rally last night?
They kept chanting “FOUR MORE BEERS!”
I backed a horse last week at 10 to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
What did the supervillain say when he got off at the last train station?
It's the end of the line for me!
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant last night?
Battered Fish Everywhere!
Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"
She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").
Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"
I've never been so proud of her.
I have three different levels of tan on me. One level is my arms and legs from wearing a shirt and shorts. The next level is from not wearing a shirt at the beach. And the last is under my shorts.
Did you hear about the storms that hit the boy scouts at camp last night ?
Take a look at this conversation I had last night
Last night there was a break-in at the pencil factory, theives stole everything...
...police are still looking for leads.
I got my first senior discount at the seafood restaurant last night.
It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.
Interviewer: What did you do at your last job?
Me: I played video games
Interviewer: Why were you terminated?
Me: I played video games.
So i pulled this one off at dinner last night
Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.
Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:
Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
There was a huge fire at the circus last night!
It was in tents!
Source: facebook Dad Jokes
At the last buffet I went to, I ate two plates.
I wish I would have found the food.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
I saw a cyclist riding close to a steep cliff. He hit some gravel and veered away from the road toward the precipice. At the last minute he saved himself by jumping from his bike.
For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.
Last night at the ATM, An old lady asked me to help check her balance
I hung there, wondering if someone would cut me down at the last second.
The suspense was killing me.
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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