I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..
It’s because they di-late
The last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket?
I wonder how far I can kick this bucket
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
Always the last place you look
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
Watched the origami world championships last night,
It was on pay-per-view.
Bit of a scam though,
Both teams folded.
What do you call the last prawn in your prawn cocktail?
A panda escaped the zoo last night.
There was mass panda-monium.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
The start of my every last paragraph of my essays.
The final question in our pub quiz last night was ‘name the indigenous people who are often referred to as Eskimo’. I’m so disappointed I got it wrong especially as....
My wife accused me of taking the last donut
It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.
I saw a Werewolf behind the bus stop last night....Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Watching my kid throw my brand new phone out the window is the last thing I wanted to see today...
“Dad, did you remember to move the clocks forward last night?”
‘Yeah, but they fell off the shelf.”
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
My Vegan girlfriend left me over the meal I cooked last night.
What can I say? M'steaks were made.
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
Last night I finished off the Frosted Flakes, Honeycombs and Cheerios.
My wife is very upset she married a cereal killer.
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night.
I went to the shoe store today and bought the same pair of shoes I bought last time.
I think I’ve found my sole-mate
So last week i got myself in a bit of trouble when i mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Last light I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street
I thought ‘honestly, get a loom’.
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
"Where the heck have you been for the last 2 hours?"
"I went to have my hair cut."
"But ! You're on company time."
"Well, my hair grows on company time."
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
That’s inflation for you!
Why are pupils the last part of your body to die?
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What’s the last part of you to die
Do you know the last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
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