Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree.

The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".

Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 952
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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My grandfather died after eating too many gingerbread houses last Christmas.

Doctors said it was munch housin’ syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Last Christmas imgur.com/Le5rzJ6
πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djeclipz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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My wife made me get an artificial Christmas tree last Christmas.

It's just not Fir.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gwailo27
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…

…free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!

She's going to love these flowers!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I met a snowman over Christmas break last year.

He seemed like an ice guy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Last Christmas season, I took my son to see Santa Claus at the mall and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa must have thought of him.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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I have been getting my son a new watch for Christmas every year for the last ten years

He sat me down the other day and asked why a watch?

β€œI guess it’s just been something to pass the time”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePootKnocker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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Pulled a Christmas dad joke on my girlfriend last night

We were preparing steaks to grill with her family for dinner. As we are tenderizing the meat, she asks me to grab the spices. As I open the cabinet, I grab the spices and exclaim "Ah, tis' the seasoning!"

She did not find it as amusing as I did.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhotoshopJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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Got my girlfriend while we were out doing some last minute Christmas shopping

Her: I hate cold weather. It makes me all cough-y

Me: What flavor?

Her: Flavor? Wha-- Ugh.. Cough, "coffee," I get it. You're retarded and I hate you..

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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Dad joke last Christmas

So last Christmas my dad got a set of fancy vinaigrettes, and my military engineer of a grandfather said "what's wrong with some basic acids?" To which my dad quickly responded:

"Well, then they'd just be water."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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A family friend named Lance brought some fatherly flavour to my parents' last Christmas party

[my parents bickering like a married couple] My mom: don't get snippy! Lance: my hairdresser gets a bit snippy sometimes

Everyone else: good lord that was majestic

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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Last Christmas

My dad got a bunch of t-shirts last christmas from our family. When we asked him how his Christmas was, he replied, "You know....this year I had a real shirty Christmas." He had quite the chuckle at that...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devilboy9944
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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My Dad told one at a Christmas Party last night.

My Dad was discussing Black Friday deals with his friend and me.

Me: The entire store was 50% off of everything! Dad's Friend: That sounds like a great deal. Dad: Usually when I go to sales like that I end up coming out half naked.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatBandit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
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Last Christmas

My Mom dropped a doozy! I had made my brother a wizard's staff as a gift, my Dad helped. My Mom said, "...[Dad] was his staff advisor." Festivities halted and we had a solid 5 minutes of laughter. It was a good Christmas.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Angry__Jellyfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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My dad was on a roll at the Christmas parade last night
  1. Troupe of mimes starts a performance, turns to me: "Quiet! I wanna hear this!"
  2. Drum line guys walking around afterwards: "Why don't you take your drum and beat it!"
  3. Local art store named O'Dunn's: "Have you finished the painting yet? Are you o' dunn?"

All I could do was laugh and roll my eyes

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SBDD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
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Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...

The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Last christmas we bought a fake christmas tree and the man behind the counter said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

Disgusted, Dad replied, "Don't be silly, I'm putting it in the living room!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity…

So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…

...free of charge...

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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Can't believe people still have Christmas lights up... Christmas was LAST YEAR!
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexdude1085
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
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