Last Christmas Puns

The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".

Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

Doctors said it was munch housin’ syndrome.

It's just not Fir.

…free of charge.

She's going to love these flowers!

He seemed like an ice guy.

God knows what Santa must have thought of him.

He sat me down the other day and asked why a watch?

“I guess it’s just been something to pass the time”

We were preparing steaks to grill with her family for dinner. As we are tenderizing the meat, she asks me to grab the spices. As I open the cabinet, I grab the spices and exclaim "Ah, tis' the seasoning!"

She did not find it as amusing as I did.

Her: I hate cold weather. It makes me all cough-y

Me: What flavor?

Her: Flavor? Wha-- Ugh.. Cough, "coffee," I get it. You're retarded and I hate you..

So last Christmas my dad got a set of fancy vinaigrettes, and my military engineer of a grandfather said "what's wrong with some basic acids?" To which my dad quickly responded:

"Well, then they'd just be water."

[my parents bickering like a married couple] My mom: don't get snippy! Lance: my hairdresser gets a bit snippy sometimes

Everyone else: good lord that was majestic

My dad got a bunch of t-shirts last christmas from our family. When we asked him how his Christmas was, he replied, "You know....this year I had a real shirty Christmas." He had quite the chuckle at that...

My Dad was discussing Black Friday deals with his friend and me.

Me: The entire store was 50% off of everything! Dad's Friend: That sounds like a great deal. Dad: Usually when I go to sales like that I end up coming out half naked.

My Mom dropped a doozy! I had made my brother a wizard's staff as a gift, my Dad helped. My Mom said, "...[Dad] was his staff advisor." Festivities halted and we had a solid 5 minutes of laughter. It was a good Christmas.

1. Troupe of mimes starts a performance, turns to me: "Quiet! I wanna hear this!"
2. Drum line guys walking around afterwards: "Why don't you take your drum and beat it!"
3. Local art store named O'Dunn's: "Have you finished the painting yet? Are you o' dunn?"

All I could do was laugh and roll my eyes

The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

Disgusted, Dad replied, "Don't be silly, I'm putting it in the living room!"

So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…free of charge.

...free of charge...