The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
π︎ 376
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︎ May 14 2021
I just learned the past tense of remove!
π︎ 532
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︎ Mar 05 2021
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Past present and future walk into a bar
π︎ 26
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︎ Apr 29 2021
My boss said to me, βYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?β
I said, βIβm not sure. Itβs so hard to keep track.β
π︎ 650
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that Iβm going for a jogβ¦ and then I donβt.
Itβs my longest running joke of the year.
π︎ 7
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︎ May 13 2021
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants βWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good olβ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!β He was surprisingly vocal...
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 24 2021
One day Sven was walking past Ole's place and noticed a sign that said Boat For Sale.
Sven went up to the barn and said "Ole, I see da sign in your yard. All you have is a tractor and a combine". Ole said "Yep, and der boat for sale!"
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 16 2021
What do you call it when Barry Allen thinks about his past
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 18 2021
Past Your Eyes
My wife and I were grocery shopping a few years ago.
I am 6'6", she is 5'1".
She couldn't find something and asked for help.
I found it on an 'upper' shelf.
She said she hadn't seen it, and I said it was past-eur-ized. She looked blank, then her face lit up, and laughed.
It is a situation we will always share.
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
What Do You Call Award-Winning Hummus That is Past its Expiration Date?
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
π︎ 130
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︎ Jan 24 2021
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
π︎ 580
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Psst Psst! I know the past tense of remove
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 05 2021
For the past five years, Iβve said that iβm going to start jogging, but I never have
Itβs starting to become a running joke at this point
π︎ 52
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
π︎ 597
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Child walks past the parents bedroom, peaks inside and mumbles....
"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
The price of hot air balloons has really gone up over the past twenty years.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 22 2021
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jul 21 2020
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.
He lives just a stone throw away.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, βTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!β
It might be farmer Geddon.
π︎ 184
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︎ Oct 23 2020
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 04 2020
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
π︎ 296
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︎ Sep 21 2020
When driving past a cemetery:
βSee that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.β
βWhy do you say that Dad?β
βPeople are just dying to get in thereβ
π︎ 31
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jan 04 2020
A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, βBeautiful hoar-frost!β
The man replied, βWhy thank you kind sir, but my nameβs not Frost.β
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︎ Jan 09 2021
What did the German man say when asked if he could count past 8?
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 13 2020
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 31 2020
As a woman who worked for the church this past year, guess how much sex I had?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, βDylan, donβt touchβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
I just went past a shop selling wigs for only $10
They look awful but it's a small price toupee.
π︎ 30
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︎ Oct 20 2020
Cheese walks past a mirror and sees itself
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 25 2020
When I write down the alphabet I never get past the letter "I"
I guess that's where I draw the line.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
In Past, I used to be so confused about everything
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 11 2020
I can't stop taking money out of every cash machine I walk past...
Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
My boss said to me, βYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?β
I said, βIβm not sure. Itβs so hard to keep track.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
The past, present and future walk into a room.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
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