The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I just learned the past tense of remove!
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that I’m going for a jog… and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants “Why do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
Psst Psst! I know the past tense of remove
For the past five years, I’ve said that i’m going to start jogging, but I never have
It’s starting to become a running joke at this point
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Child walks past the parents bedroom, peaks inside and mumbles....
"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."
The price of hot air balloons has really gone up over the past twenty years.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.
He lives just a stone throw away.
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, “THE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
It might be farmer Geddon.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, “Beautiful hoar-frost!”
The man replied, “Why thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”
What did the German man say when asked if he could count past 8?
As a woman who worked for the church this past year, guess how much sex I had?
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, “Dylan, don’t touch”
When I write down the alphabet I never get past the letter "I"
I guess that's where I draw the line.
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power
That’s a lot of wasted votes
I was walking past a shop, and there was a classic bomb in the window Beside it was a sign that read "$1, irreplaceable fuse"
I said to myself "That's an offer I can't refuse"
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
I've been searching in this map for the past hour...
And I can't seem to find country music.
I haven’t been able find my pet turtle for the past few months
Turns out he’s just been sheltering in place.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue.
It's intense tense in tents
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What do you call cheese that happened in the past?
This year is the year for remembering the past, because hindsight is 20/20. [OC]
I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past 'X'
Did you know that worm population has doubled in the past 80 years to due to the rising temperatures?
Yeah, they're calling it global worming.
A guy rushed past me at the post office to deliver 25 different letters
I've been bench pressing 10 dictionaries everyday for the past 4 weeks.
I've finally got some definition in my arms.
I hate it when people can't let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
The past, present and future walk into a room.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar
Things got a little tense
The past,The present and The future entered a bar
The past, present and future walk into a bar
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