I ordered a Caesar salad from the restaurant for lunch today.
They absolutely killed it.
Today is PI day, which always makes me hungry for pie
Now a slice of pie in the United States will set you back $5
But in the Bahamas and Aruba you can buy that same slice of pie for just $1
Yep. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...she’s sorry she ever married me.
A couple days ago I went for a walk beside a pasture and seen a lone cow when I went again today he wasn't there
I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field
Went in for a prostate exam today
Turns out I'm an anarchist!
Got a email today from a 'Bored Housewife, 32, looking for some action."
I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.
Today marks the 77th anniversary that my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 4 German bombers in one day during the war
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
I received a letter with no address on today, who was it intended for?
I was called up for jury duty today but luckily it didn’t last too long...
I got gas for $1.19 today!
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says “they are knot holes”.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
I made my very first unboxing video for YouTube today !
They were not happy at the funeral home
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
Went for my covid vaccine today
The covid tester asked if I had experienced a sudden loss of taste. I said no, I always dress this way
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses.
Then I'll see what happens.
Had a German sausage for the first time today,
Not many fans are allowed in the stadium for Green Bay’s game today. It will be like
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for
I told him it’s Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”
I lost a few digits recently when something heavy dropped on my foot. Today I got prosthetics for them.
Comment below if you’d like to see photos of my faux toes.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Saw an escalator for the first time today...
Took my family of 12 out for a coffee today.
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
A little dope-a-meme for you today
My wife told me today that when I got her food order, that I need to remember to ask for cheese or they wouldn’t add it.
I told her if they forgot the cheese again, it wouldn’t end very Gouda for them!
A clown held the door open for me today
I thought that it was a nice jester
If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for?
Death came for my soul today
Thank god I was in the living room when he came
Today I don't have a dad joke for you. I have a dad fact. Did you know humans eat more seeds than birds?
It's true! When was the last time you ate a bird?
My boss was looking for me at work today. When he finally found me he asked where I had been, and I said
Good employees are hard to find nowadays
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
My son asked we to pay for his rifle test today. It was $30.
We had a party for our office supplies today. We even invited the invisible ink.
A blind man is going into surgery today for a cornea transplant.
He hopes by tomorrow, he’ll get to see everyone.
I ordered the pasta at work today for lunch.
But then I realized I wasn't that hungry, so I boxed it up to take home and eat later.
Because a penné saved is a penné earned.
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I don’t know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
I've been on edge today searching for the answer.
I usually use Chrome, but today I'm on Edge.
My wife decided today would be a good day for her water to break.
I had my temperature read today for a Covid screening, and it read 200 degrees
That’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
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