My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out!
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Last night I stepped on a corn flake..
My dad keeps calling me a cereal killer 🙄
I was outside, laying down, at night, admiring the stars and the moon
Last night I dreamed I was a muffler
What keeps sheep up at night
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."
"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda. Then I woke up..
..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
My Vegan girlfriend left me over the meal I cooked last night.
What can I say? M'steaks were made.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night.
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.
As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats."
I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits."
HUH?
Because of all the hops they use!
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.
I said, “Oi, what’s your game?”
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly
I had a Pelican curry the other night.
The food was ok but the bill was enormous.
Last night when exiting Disney, I asked my group if anyone remembered where we parked.
My son: “the parking lot”
I tried to stay awake last night, or as I call it...
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
I was arrested yesterday after neighbours complained about me playing Englebert Humperdink records all night
Police released me, let me go!
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper
Last night I ate a piece of string
I was telling Dad jokes the entire night
I tuck my suitcase into bed at night.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
What kind of horses only come out at night?
A real conversation I had last night
Her: “Is it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)
Me: “Y’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”
Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.
Last night I had a nightmare about wedding cakes....
Worst prom night ever
I had to wait in line to get flowers for my date, then I had to wait forever to get a limo. When my date and I finally got to the dance there was a super long line for tickets. When we finally got in she asked me to get her a class of punch. I went over there but there was no punchline
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
John Travolta tested negative for covid last night.
turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever!
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Why don’t you ever see normal houses at night?
Because they turn into warehouses
I was at a club last night where they had a Superman themed night.
You should have seen the queue to the cloakroom.
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.
I said to myself, that’s a little condescending
Who always wins at the army quiz nights?
My shift at work ends at midnight, but I'm a night owl so I find staying up late easy...
...I could stay up until midnight with my eyes closed.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was
And then it dawned on me.
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
Last night I stepped on a corn flake
My dad keeps calling me a cereal killer 🙄
I stayed up all night last night...
And then it dawned on me.
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