The Nights Puns

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

It was great. She’s a keeper.

The food was ok but the bill was enormous.

I said, "I didn't know he could!"

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

I said to myself, that’s a little condescending

Then it dawned on me

He nuts and bolts.

So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....

My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…

Cops have nothing to go on

Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance (this came from my dad 🤣🤣)

It's Christmas eve

Where the heck is the ceiling?

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

Thots and prayers

Sadly I was defeated.

I now have 999.999.75 left.

I wore a blindfold.

He said the police were expecting a crime wave

...my oldest asks, "If they make an Apple Car, will it still have windows?"

I was so proud.

Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’

Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.

All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...

I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.

To learn thyme management

Police have no leads

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”

She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

He was the sole perpetrator.

Can't say I remember why though.

I was going to order it but the bill would have been huge.

It’s pasture bedtime

The bill was huge.

Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?

He nuts and bolts!

Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.

He built another one.

So it doesn't get any hooty calls.

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

(Yes, I stole this from another sub:))

Then it dawned on me

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

Then, it dawned on me.

It's Christmas, Eve.

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

And then it dawned on me.