I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a Pelican curry the other night.

The food was ok but the bill was enormous.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elwheelio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...

I said, "I didn't know he could!"

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kahnartist81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovina9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.

I said to myself, that’s a little condescending

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awag80
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was,

Then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user7618
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....

So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I worked security at a chemical plant. There had been a string of robberies at nearby chemical plants, and one night... lo and behold- we heard the alarm...

My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night

Cops have nothing to go on

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the night Jesus was born so quiet?

Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance (this came from my dad 🀣🀣)

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/belac2002
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Adam say the night before Christmas?

It's Christmas eve

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself

Where the heck is the ceiling?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.

Thots and prayers

πŸ‘︎ 658
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgorbg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.

Sadly I was defeated.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have 999.999.75 left.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.

I wore a blindfold.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...

He said the police were expecting a crime wave

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeJeepWdw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The other night at dinner we were discussing the Apple/Hyundai teamup when...

...my oldest asks, "If they make an Apple Car, will it still have windows?"

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iiooiooi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.

Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the salvation army soup kitchen last night.

All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HazyDayZ420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.

I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkrjoe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the horticulturist go to night school?

To learn thyme management

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sir_anarchist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...

Police have no leads

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory.

He was the sole perpetrator.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Golden365
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The Carbon Monoxide detector went of last night,

Can't say I remember why though.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a restaurant last night and they had pelican on the menu.

I was going to order it but the bill would have been huge.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omgitschriso
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the farmer say to the cows at night?

It’s pasture bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night...

The bill was huge.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.

Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts!

Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedRocketMan_Y
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the carpenter do after he wasn't satisfied with his One Night Stand?

He built another one.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?

So it doesn't get any hooty calls.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockstar37
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
One Night a Viking named Rudolph the Red told his wife, It’s going to Rain...she asked how he knew...

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

(Yes, I stole this from another sub:))

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJBlue18
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.

Then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ReelBigKeith
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Gabe was muttering incoherently. He'd been up all night studying for the history exam.

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...

Then, it dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Adam say the night before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I stayed up all night, wondering where the sun went.

And then it dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Feels_Bad_Man19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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