"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
Dad: Pretending to be a dispatcher Yeah, she’s resisting arrest
Jimmy Felon
...I could stay up until midnight with my eyes closed.
I look up at the twinkling sky and whisper,
"You guys are the real stars."
I have been informed he was a-salted.
Bump…
Bump…
Bump…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Faster…
Faster…
FASTER…
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
And…
The coffin stops….
Have you been wearing glasses during the pandemic?!? Have you been wearing your mask?!? You may be entitled to condensation.
The Secret Room Service
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
But I'm sure that's just a bourbon legend.
Dick Van Dyke
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
He was Satired'
"Where's your wife?" he asked.
I said, "Oh, she's gone out to build tennis equipment with Danny."
"Do you really believe that? Danny doesn't even play tennis," he replied.
"Well," I replied. "She said they were going to make a racket."
I guess I lost track of the thyme.
All of the seats were already taken.
They thought it was too dark.
A small group of calves were munching on my front flower beds, and mooving slowly towards the woods. Thought about calling the cops to report a bunch of mooligans, but I didn't really have a beef with them. Haven't seen hide nor hair of them since!
It's your one way chicken to midnight.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
I knead a lot of dough
She never saw it coming.
There isn’t another soul on the street.
Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.
He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.
Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.
He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bump…bump…bump.
The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.
He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!
He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.
He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.
Bump…bump…bump.
There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.
Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…
BUMP! BUMP!
BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!
He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.
Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!
Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!
His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!
The coffin stops.
It got toed.
To make the "p" silent
you should probably stop hitting that snoo-ze button.
...one of them is inhaling deeply from a large bag of cement, he was on the hard stuff!
My reply: "He must be cooking the books."
She just stared at me...
Man: "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." Mechanic: "I'm a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yeah, I know." Mechanic: "Well, why did you come here then?" Man: "Your light was on."
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down..HAHA
Was walking along to a club late at night in Glasgow (considered a dangerous city in the UK) and an elderly man says to us:
"You better keep your eyes open tonight lads"
To which we reply "why, what's going on tonight?"
"Because you'll not be able to see where you're going with them shut"
I wrote my buddy and I's name on a piece of paper and handed it to him while saying "just so we are on the same page."
She's been working nonstop on her dissertation for a few weeks now and is pretty exhausted. Came home from the library at 11:30/12 last night, and as she settled down to do more work:
"Right. Time to start working in earnest."
"Who's Ernest, and why are you working in him?"
she was not impressed
Today was my first Father's day and as we were cleaning up from the little party for all the dad's in my family, I couldn't help myself.
Wife and mother-in-law: "how do you feel?"
Me: "normally with my fingers."
They just rolled their eyes while I could hear chuckling from my dad and grandpa in the other room.
He walks in the door and says he just got into a car accident and said he was rear ended by a little person. The little person walks up to his car and my dad opens the window. He says "im not happy" and my dad responds "so which one are you"
My girlfriend had her wisdom teeth removed yesterday, and last night she accidentally woke me up as she was reaching to take another Vicodin, since the pain in her jaw had woken her up. We were both in a daze, still half asleep.
- Me: What time is it...?
- Her: Ummmm... 2:30 [AM].
- Me: Oh... ... I guess that makes sense...
- Her: ...What...?
- Me: It's two thirty... tooth... hurty...
- Her: ...go to sleep.
I was impressed my wits were still razor sharp in the wee hours of the morning!
He was confronted by an evil witch, who put a spell on him. Before he could do anything about it, the man realised that his body had disappeared and he was nothing more than a floating head. He decided to call it a day and go home, "I'm just gonna quit whilst i'm a head" he said to himself.
Mom says goodnight and dad occupies the bathroom before she can get up the stairs. "Don't be long!" She says.
"Who are you to tell me I don't belong?!" He says through the door.
We now call that a moment of "urinspiration."
When behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
FASTER
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.
However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him
A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...
The coffin stops.
