I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
π︎ 107
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
Gabe was muttering incoherently. He'd been up all night studying for the history exam.
I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.
"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."
"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
I was so mad for peeing myself in the night
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 24 2020
Decided to have a curry for dinner the other night, that was a mistake...
Spent all night vindaloo.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
π︎ 98
π
︎ May 04 2019
Tomorrow night the Reindeer will be working for Santa against their will...
They've been forced into sleighvery.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. βDo you mind waiting for a bit?β The manager asked. βNot at allβ I replied.
βGood, take these lasagnas to table 6β he said.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Nov 21 2019
The other day on a full moonlit night I met a lost wolf who kept asking everyone for directions
It must have been a Where Wolf
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 28 2019
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up...
...but this morning itβs just water under the fridge
π︎ 122
π
︎ Mar 07 2019
βͺI regret quitting my job at the factory that made night wear for felines. I thought I was allergic to to some of the material we were working with. β¬ βͺ
But it turns out it wasnβt the catβs pyjamas
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
I got arrested for getting a blowjob in a bar the other night.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 06 2019
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"
Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 25 2017
I watched 127 Hours for the first time last night
That movie was way shorter than I thought it would be.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Apr 18 2019
Why did the father take the computer out for a night on the town?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 27 2019
What is it called when a group of US special forces go out for the night?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
As I sat at the bar, unsure of what to order, I realized I was in for a long night of pour decisions.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 24 2019
Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half of the living population on Earth.
Then I snapped out of it.
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 23 2019
I went camping for the first time last night, and finally understand why people love it so much...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 13 2019
Checking in at a hotel and the front desk agent tells me they donβt have a bell hop for the night.
I told her they should get the Nobel Prize.
She just stared at me blankly for 8 seconds until she said.... βcheck out is at 10β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 10 2019
I stayed up all night searching for the sun
Then it dawned on me.
Happy Fatherβs Day
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 17 2019
There were a couple of miners make their way to SF. They set up camp for the night underneath a giant half dome. One of the miners was going to make coffee. He ask if anyone else wanted something to drink
Someone yelled back from the other side of camp. βYO SEND ME TEA.!β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 21 2019
Wife called me at work and said she was throwing some steaks in the pan for dinner last night.
I said, what happens if your throw misses? Do they become miss-steaks? Wife hung up the phone.
(True story, actually happened. )
π︎ 511
π
︎ Sep 05 2016
Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said βlookinβ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekendβ, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 13 2018
Someone really needs to arrest the night sky for indecent exposure.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 14 2019
Last night I had The Killers over for sβmores and hot cocoa. We all woke up this morning sick with hangovers
I looked at them and said βhow did it end up like this? It was only Swiss-miss.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 04 2019
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!
I told her to break a leg.
^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 12 2018
I met a North African girl the other night, and we spoke for hours.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jul 13 2018
My dog for into the condiments last night
Now I have a Gulden retriever.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 25 2019
The lights on my roof damaged Santa's sleigh last night. I was really worried he'd demand I pay for the damages.
But I don't owe anything; it was on the house.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 25 2018
I waited up all night looking for the sun
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 26 2018
Alex got an A+ for the test today, even though he was out partying with me last night
The nurse said, some people just have it in their Blood.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 02 2018
So Christian Yelich hit for the Cycle again last night.
I guess you can say he got a Bi-Cycle last night.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 19 2018
I had the same sheets on my bed for five years, but last night they ripped. Today I put new sheets on my bed.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 17 2018
Last night was really freaky at my bowling alley. The place was packed for league night and then, the power went out. People stopped what they were doing.
I swear, you couldn't hear a pin drop.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 16 2017
The dentist took impressions for a new night guard today. Had to do it twice.
Apparently I didnβt make a good first impression.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 17 2018
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch for the night
Now he's paying me for the hole in the wall
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 23 2018
I'm a dad now, and I have a nine month old daughter. When I put her in her 12 hour diaper for the night, I say: "It's time to put on your night diaper...
...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."
π︎ 49
π
︎ Feb 11 2014
I took my son out for a beer for the first time last night...
I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.
I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.
Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.
I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.
By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 24 2017
Light a man a fire, keep him warm for the night...
Light a man ON fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 08 2017
I was waiting in line for my tickets to the LA Phil last night when the box office staff asked "is everyone in this line here for Will Call? This is the line for Will Call."
To which I replied, "No, I'm here for Beethoven. Who the heck is Will Call?" Worth it for the few 'extra air out of the nose' laughs I got from the three people around me.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 20 2017
Dad for the win last night.
So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.
It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.
Angrily, my brother says,
"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."
Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,
"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."
π︎ 30
π
︎ Mar 28 2016
We had fish and chips the other night for dinner.
I bit into a piece of Flake and told my dad he better run because there's a man eating shark in the loungeroom.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 25 2017
Did you hear about the viking that haggled all day and night to get the best price for his ship?
It was quite an oar-deal...
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 15 2016
What did the guy at the tobacco store say to the guy who came in right before they closed for the night?
You got here just in the nicotime!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 24 2016
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