For the Night Puns

I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.

Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

I'm going vegan today.

I wrung my bed in shame.

Spent all night vindaloo.

They've been forced into sleighvery.

“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.

It must have been a Where Wolf

...but this morning it’s just water under the fridge

But it turns out it wasn’t the cat’s pyjamas

But it's ok, I got off

Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"

That movie was way shorter than I thought it would be.

Because motherboard

Seal clubbing

Then I snapped out of it.

It's in tents!

I told her they should get the Nobel Prize.

She just stared at me blankly for 8 seconds until she said.... “check out is at 10”

Then it dawned on me.

Happy Father’s Day

Someone yelled back from the other side of camp. “YO SEND ME TEA.!”

I said, what happens if your throw misses? Do they become miss-steaks? Wife hung up the phone.

(True story, actually happened. )

It keeps mooning me.

I looked at them and said “how did it end up like this? It was only Swiss-miss.”

I told her to break a leg.

^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)

We just clicked.

Now I have a Gulden retriever.

But I don't owe anything; it was on the house.

Then it dawned on me

The nurse said, some people just have it in their Blood.

I guess you can say he got a Bi-Cycle last night.

I shed a tear.

I swear, you couldn't hear a pin drop.

Apparently I didn’t make a good first impression.

Now he's paying me for the hole in the wall

...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."

I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.

I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.

Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.

I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.

By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...

Light a man ON fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

To which I replied, "No, I'm here for Beethoven. Who the heck is Will Call?" Worth it for the few 'extra air out of the nose' laughs I got from the three people around me.

So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.

It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.

Angrily, my brother says,

"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."

Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,

"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."

I bit into a piece of Flake and told my dad he better run because there's a man eating shark in the loungeroom.

It was quite an oar-deal...

You got here just in the nicotime!