I am the master pun creator
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MickeyMoose555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Did you know that musician Bob Seger wanted to be a chess master?

He was always working on his knight moves...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_bradley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sevohanian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

πŸ‘︎ 598
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Master of Noneβ€’β€’β€’Pastor of Muppets
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, β€œYou have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 486
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to master the entire alphabet.

I don’t know y

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.

He can't just comprehend what attachments are!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pkdtezpur88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My father in law is the master at Dad Jokes, this is my favorite he tells my son

You must be built backwards because your feet smell and your nose runs.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCandle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...

It was stolen from right under my nose.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ramzert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Vincent Van Gogh’s son was a LEGO master. As a test of his skill he was asked...

Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?

HDMI

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun Level: Master
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrismith410
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Which is the grand master of nuts?

The chess-nut.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Bow down to your master, peasants
πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edmund22lee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
When does a joke become a "dad" joke?

When it becomes apparent.

Credit: My team scrum master.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do big-game hunters mount their lions’ heads?

To mount the other end would be a catastrophe.

πŸ‘︎ 389
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πŸ‘€︎ u/friste
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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A Zen master walked up to a hot dog stand, and ordered himself a meal.

"Make me one with everything."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LatinousNamous
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
You’ll likely get this if you watched Russell Crowe in Master and Commander...
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/renoraid
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Heard your dad is a diabetic DJ that drinks cans of sprite during his sets...

The crowds always chanting β€˜back one again for the lemonade master’

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SR21-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A story of my friend Al

While on vacation to a Caribbean island, he was Tropic Al

As a master gardener, he is Botanic Al

When the people need a doctor, he is Medic Al

When he tells clever jokes, he’s Comic Al

He can look two ways at once as Bidirection Al

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
People Who Are Expert Fishers Are Also Master Baiters
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xoyamec69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they call Vader a Lord?

Because Master Vader might make the Stormtroopers giggle.

πŸ‘︎ 285
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadsea29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.

It was his Jed Eye Master.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
You heard about the master-chef from Transylvania?

Vlad Tapas.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlankenSonja
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Im a master at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/APunchToThePuss
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said that stray dogs have no masters.

I agreed and added that they don't even have associates.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolmcq
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?

He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a Kung Fu master who has stayed in 30 yurts in the last 30 days

He's on a roundhouse kick.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyDabomb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Found out martial arts expert Bruce Lee had a vegan brother

His name was Broco Lee

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sacrelidge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I dreamed of becoming a professional fisherman

But I found out that I couldn't live on my net income

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehFuriousKid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the park master cross the road?

To get to the other slide

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/romanator25
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does a skilled fisherman always have a sore pp?

Cause he's a master baiter

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valakaydin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I got (Maggie) Reilly carried away.
πŸ‘︎ 914
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
In the batcave

Alfred: what can i do for you master Wayne

Bruce Wayne: I have decided to change my name to Bate

Alfred: why master Ba- -_-

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siddharth_pillai
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh hi there,
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HansHydra
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
No matter how many times she tried, Sherlock Holmes' wife could never convince him to grow fond of her pet duck.

He was a master of the duck shun.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patricosuave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
At this year's graduation cermony @ UCLA, James Hetfield will receive the Jim Henson memorial degree...

...he will finally get his Masters of Puppets. 🀘

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
"Master Kief"
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATacticalBagel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Fruit pun related to wealth

I want to make a joke about a rich fruit, and so am need to choose a fruit best associated with wealth, riches having lots of money, etc..

Can any of you pun masters help me out?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2018
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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