I am the master pun creator
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I saw a dude’s truck that said Master Baitor on it one time now I don’t fish but I want that
Did you hear about the uncaring ,cyclopian Jedi Master?
I'm a border collie. My master says that my main purpose is to gather sheep for him.
That's what I herd, anyway.
Just received a masters degree in 'garden fencing'.
I am now a post graduate.
Why did the master distiller put an elevator in the warehouse?
Did you know that Jedi master Yoda was actually a Austro-Bavarian folk singer?
It's true. Right there in his last name, "Lay Hee Hoo."
A master woodworker needed transportation, so he built a motorcycle out of the best lumber in the workshop.
What do you call a master archer?
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
What's your favourite blue spiky master film director?
Why are windows bad quiz masters?
They always reveal the answer
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Did you know that musician Bob Seger wanted to be a chess master?
He was always working on his knight moves...
What word has the most letters in it?
The post office.
(Courtesy of my 8 year olds).
Master of None•••Pastor of Muppets
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?
No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to master the entire alphabet.
My father in law is the master at Dad Jokes, this is my favorite he tells my son
You must be built backwards because your feet smell and your nose runs.
I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.
He can't just comprehend what attachments are!
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why was Darth Vader called "Lord Vader"?
Because "Master Vader" made the storm troopers giggle.
Vincent Van Gogh’s son was a LEGO master. As a test of his skill he was asked...
Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?
Bow down to your master, peasants
Which is the grand master of nuts?
Darth Vader's walking into a Chinese takeaway when he gets a call from the Emperor
"What is thy bidding, my master?" says Darth Vader.
"Order 66."
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?
After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.
My son sighs and says, "the living room."
High five buddy, you got me.
You’ll likely get this if you watched Russell Crowe in Master and Commander...
A Zen master walked up to a hot dog stand, and ordered himself a meal.
"Make me one with everything."
Why do big-game hunters mount their lions’ heads?
To mount the other end would be a catastrophe.
People Who Are Expert Fishers Are Also Master Baiters
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
When does a joke become a "dad" joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Credit: My team scrum master.
Why do they call Vader a Lord?
Because Master Vader might make the Stormtroopers giggle.
Why didn't Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
My friend said that stray dogs have no masters.
I agreed and added that they don't even have associates.
What’s another name for a pro angler?
You heard about the master-chef from Transylvania?
Why did the park master cross the road?
To get to the other slide
I met a Kung Fu master who has stayed in 30 yurts in the last 30 days
He's on a roundhouse kick.
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
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