I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was
And then it dawned on me.
I was outside, laying down, at night, admiring the stars and the moon
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night.
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.
I had a Pelican curry the other night.
The food was ok but the bill was enormous.
I was telling Dad jokes the entire night
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Who always wins at the army quiz nights?
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.
I said to myself, that’s a little condescending
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
Why was the night Jesus was born so quiet?
Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance (this came from my dad 🤣🤣)
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....
So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....
What did Adam say the night before Christmas?
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
I worked security at a chemical plant. There had been a string of robberies at nearby chemical plants, and one night... lo and behold- we heard the alarm...
My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie
It scared my wife pretty bad.
I assured her he’s all right.
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
The other night at dinner we were discussing the Apple/Hyundai teamup when...
...my oldest asks, "If they make an Apple Car, will it still have windows?"
I was so proud.
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
I lost my job at the salvation army soup kitchen last night.
All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...
Why did the horticulturist go to night school?
To learn thyme management
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory.
He was the sole perpetrator.
I went to a restaurant last night and they had pelican on the menu.
I was going to order it but the bill would have been huge.
The Carbon Monoxide detector went of last night,
Can't say I remember why though.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
What does the farmer say to the cows at night?
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was,
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...
What did Adam say the night before Christmas?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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