I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
I went to a restaurant last night and they had pelican on the menu.
I was going to order it but the bill would have been huge.
Arsenal F.C was on fire the other night
Some blame it on Cole, but I believe it was Arsene.
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.
I said, "That's just nuts."
The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...
it was an ironclad alibi!
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
Why did the curio cabinet go out on the water at night?
Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.
I was on the phone last night with my niece and she said what do you call someone laying on the floor.
My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.
Me and my wife were on the sofa last night, getting all hot and steamy..
She whispered in my ear "Shall we take this upstairs"?
I replied "Go on then, you grab this end and I'll get the other"
I have a cyst on my back and my wife helped me drain it. She won the pun war that night.
My fiancée called me last night and said she was on the sofa with Ben & Jerry.
Sounded like she enjoyed her ménage à froid.
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
The other day on a full moonlit night I met a lost wolf who kept asking everyone for directions
It must have been a Where Wolf
Did you know the average person sleeps with 3 covers on at night?
... Just a blanket statement
My friend has been having the hardest time getting pool noodles air frieighted in. Last night, he said he's going to have them sent on a container ship...
I said, "whatever boats your float."
A Farmer has three daughters and each has a date on the same night.
The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.
The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"
The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"
The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!
Last night, I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and the clock struck midnight.
I thought, “Same shit, different day.”
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store...
Queso we needed some more.
.
I may have peaked with this one, guys.
I tripped over my wife's bra left on the bedroom floor last night...
Why did the father take the computer out for a night on the town?
I didn’t know what to think walking into the kitchen last night to find my wife draped in lasagna and pouring piping hot soup over her head. “I’m just putting the dinner on”, she quipped. How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.
Where do the cows go on a Saturday night?
Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half of the living population on Earth.
Then I snapped out of it.
I was taking my kids trick or treating along a dark country road, on a moonless Halloween night, when all of a sudden, a vampire swooped down from the darkness and landed right in front of us!
My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"
Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"
Some nights I like to sleep on the floor
If the bed above mine is removed, does that mean my theory about my brother falling on me in the night is debunked?
Missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night....
Anyone know if there's a highlight program?
I had a dream last night that I posted the best Dad joke ever on Reddit,
Thanks for making my dream come true.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
This morning, my wife asked if I wanted her to throw out my can of sparkling water that had been on the counter all night.
I replied, "No I'll drink it. It's still water."
The lights on my roof damaged Santa's sleigh last night. I was really worried he'd demand I pay for the damages.
But I don't owe anything; it was on the house.
What did the knife say to the other knife on prom night?
What does a cave always wear before a night out on the town?
Left the PC on all night, when I woke up it was freezing
Turns out I left all the Windows open
Dadjoked my girlfriend on the way to see the band Phish last night.
And this is how the conversation went,
Her: "I really like to discuss politics, I wish you did too."
Me: "I do like to discuss them. I just don't like arguing like you do."
Her: "I don't like to argue, I like debate."
Me: "Yeah, well, so do fish."
We both sensibly chuckled.
At work last night, we found a lost set of keys. The only identifiable information on them was a little metal bobble that read, "Eaves."
I told my coworkers to be on the lookout for an eavesdropper.
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