The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Why won’t triangles go on dates with circles?

They’re pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calm_Fan_381
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to date my math teacher....

I wanted to date my math teacher to have a chance of looking at her tan lines. But I cant, cos its was a sin.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David-EN-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.

My own fault though, I kept her out too long.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
I went on a blind date with a vegan girl.

Never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The perfect date
πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, owls never go on a date if it's raining.

It's too wet to woo.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nonions
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Personally, though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SydneyCartonLived
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?

Because they have sax appeal 🎷

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerrousDerrius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the doctor at the blood bank picky about her dates?

She has A type

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cresendo77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister is going on a date for coffee with a guy named joe....

You could say she’s going for a cup with Joe.....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shump23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
You should never date an archaeologist,

Because they're dating other people/Because they keep bringing up the past.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/code_punk_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
I won't date just any font;

It has to be my type.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scungillipig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I asked my brother how his date went. He said he found out she was an anesthesiologist.

Talk about a snooze fest.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
One of the earliest dates I went on with my Wife was a Blindfolded Archery lesson.

It wasn't our first date but was the one that stuck in my head.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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There's a new film about oxygen that's coming out soon, but there's no date.

I wonder when it will air.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/An1meK1TTEN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?

Social Security.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
a nice dinner date
πŸ‘︎ 361
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lirocat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to date a microbiologist.

She was a woman of culture.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why won't Rick Astly ever take his girlfriend out for an ice cream date?

Cuz he'll never dessert you...

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife (serious question): What is the difference between a date and a prune?

Me: one you get lucky and the other you don't.

She was mad enough to leave the room...

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moar-coffee-plz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: talks to my date

My friend, looking at me weirdly: why are you talking to a fucking FRUIT?!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rozsaszin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
*On a date*

Date: So, what do you do?

Me: * holds up menu * you just pick one from this picture book of meals.

πŸ‘︎ 846
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Bought a Raspberry Bomb pudding for Xmas. Close to sell by date.

Better eat it before it goes off.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Those people who refuse to date foot amputees?

They are lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
POV you're a vet trying to arrange a date with a patient

Vet: "are you picking up what I'm putting down"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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are you today’s date?

because you’re 11/10

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gvthangel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My Tinder date turned out to be shorter than his bio said.

I guess he was telling some tall tales.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eamo853
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did the woman go on a date with the mushroom?

Of course.. After all, he is a Fungi

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why's it a bad idea to date celery?

Because when you break up you know it'll keep on stalking you.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Two beryllium atoms went on a date

It didn't work out. The relationship was toxic right at the start. I guess they were not meant 2 Be.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matthewrmshin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the house wear on her date?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n0fr13nd5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it so hard to get a date with a girl who likes horses?

Because she is already in a stable relationship...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thomid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the girl date a zombie?

'Cause liked her for her brains!

Why did the girl break up with the zombie? 'Cause he was dead inside!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/balderdashbird
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a date with a demon last night...

But I’m not really into the possessive type.

(My brotherβ€˜s joke not mine)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyXorron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
For our first date, I had surgery with my wife

It was a great way for us to open up.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoSnapsMack
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Timallne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
After finishing our meal, my date said we should have dinner again

I told her I’m too full now

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chumbleechips
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him β€œSudden Lee”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the bartender say to his date?

Alcohol you later

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caleb_Garrett
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Are you today’s date?

Because you’re 10/10!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GizmoGeek1224
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I once took a librarian on a date, she cost me a fortune.

My own fault though, I kept her out too long.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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