My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
Me: talks to my date
My friend, looking at me weirdly: why are you talking to a fucking FRUIT?!
If you tell me what my idea of a perfect date is...
I personally think it's DD/MM/YY. The rest are a bit confusing.
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
I once went on a date that ended with me and the girl sleeping together. After sex she lit a cigarette and told me me all about her hobby: collecting roadkill and pinning it to her wall. Well, there's no way I could see her after that...
Smoking is such a turn off.
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up...
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
A trucker called me on the cb today and asked what the date was.
I said "10/4, good buddy."
Pescatarian date dumped me when I made a steak dinner.
Well, that's fine. At least I've got a lot of other fish in the sea.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
My health conscious date asked me how many liters are there in a glass of coke.
I said 4 liters, 9 if you include the glass.
She said: "What!?"
Me: Yea.
Liter C.
Liter O.
Liter K.
Liter E.
Let’s go on a date. Lunch is on me.
My polyamorous friend asked me out on a date
I said I'm flattered but I don't want to be in a no-pun relationship
My date asked me my ancestry. I said I’m Welsh and Hungarian.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
My date last night gave me some cheesy jewelry.
My buddy set me up on a blind date
He told me, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby". Well let me tell you, I felt stupid sitting there in the bar wearing just a diaper.
It was a lovely movie and I had a hot date, so I asked her to whisper something in my ear that would make my heart beat faster. She gave me this sly little smile and then she replied,
"Don't look now, but your wife is sitting right behind us."
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Me and my date got tired of eating in dark restaurants, the food isn't even that great
Today we ate the dinner with delight.
Him: Ready for our date? Her: Yeah. Lunch is on me.
My date just walked out on me after I told her I look at tits and boobies all day
Guess she doesn't like birdwatching
My date asked me to go back to her place for "a movie". I said sure.
She said, "How does popcorn sound?"
I said, "Crunchy."
Me: why doesn't she date me
I’m not up to date with tennis, can someone tell me what all the racket is about?
My wife just asked me "What's the difference between dates and prunes?"
My response: "You can't take a girl on a prune."
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, ‘If you had to pick any date, what would it be?’
A date once told me she can talk to shoes
I was blown away when she showed me how to converse.
"Excuse me, what's the expiry date on this?" I asked the shop assistant.
"Sir," he said, "that's a calendar."
Would you go on a date with me if i’d look like Chewbacca?
Her: Would you go on a date with me if i’d look like Chewbacca?
Him: Nah, I’d rather go Solo
A date asked me if I had ever been abroad...
"No, I've been a man since birth."
I would give my left nut to go on a date with my wife just me n her.
(does anyone know any babysitters that accept pay in testicles?)
I was on a date in a helicopter and the pilot turns and says to me,
"Be careful what you do back there, you could catch a VEN-AERIAL disease!"
I had a date cancel on me because she claimed to be constipated.
My friend asked me over CB Radio if I knew what today's date was.
I replied "10/4, good buddy."
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
I once took a librarian on a date, she cost me a fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn’t show up.
I guess we’re not going to workout.
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