A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I crossed the border into Mexico without much hassle. Crossing it a second time was fine too, but on the third time a guard stopped me and said β€œSorry

No tres passing.”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Saw Buzz Aldrin today. Told my friend that he was the second man on the moon.

Neil before him.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FredererPower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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The second COVID vaccine causes a speech disorder in Spanish speakers

They keep asking for dose dos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJadedSF
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes

"I artichoke you for that"

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πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Why did the clock go back four seconds?

Because it was hungry

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Two guys at a bar order drinks. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "Yeah, I'll have some H2O too."

The second guy died.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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After getting the first shot I'm really not looking forward to the second.

9mm bullets hurt like hell.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo?

This ain’t my first rodeo.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wilhelmfart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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The decorations were from a second hand store
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ha-Ka-Tu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......

UBUNTU.

SurPise!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatthewLee1980
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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If you see the second letter of the alphabet

Letter B

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gilberto2005
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?

It's a minute tour.

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Climbing through my window on the first floor was easy. But if it was the second floor,

That'd be a different story all together.

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro_Lancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?

Because I want to know

πŸ‘︎ 269
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.

This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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It’s only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...

I hope she feels gelty.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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I am about to become a dad for the second time...

Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dugsalvador
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NullVoidPointer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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The second meme I've ever made. Not sure if I should stick with it.
πŸ‘︎ 506
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coorotaku
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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The German government is calling for everybody to stock up on sausage and cheese in case of a second lockdown.

It's the Wurst-kΓ€se-scenario

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JFCBrouwer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why did the nurse get second chair in the symphony?

Because they were a Band-Aid

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anakin_I_am_on_PC
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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What did the first floor say to the second floor?

I’m board.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.

In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sellwinerugs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be there on time.

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.

I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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What do you call the second best writing utencil that is the last of its kind?

The penultimate, ultimate pen.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kernrivers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What do you say the second time you have Grey Poupon?

Dijon vu

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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The bass player of Red Hot Chili Peppers opened a second hand store

They're calling it the Flea Market

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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What vehicle did German soldiers use to drive around during the second world war?

The Swasti-car.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotatokingXII
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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"I am Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon"

"Neil before me"

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon

Neil before me

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mooshoopork4
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Hi I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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I'm Buzz Aldrin, second person ever to step on the moon.....

Neil before me

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamGuha
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon...

Neil before him.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_voided
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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