My second pun:

I was disappointed by my recent theatre trip the other day: I thought it was a comedy set in a hospital but turns out it was just a play on wards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marpetpat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Not my first pun but second pun here. Don't WINE about my Photoshop skills.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c_lassi_k
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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As English my second language, pretty proud of this one.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mamado21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.

I told her it was because Ken came in another box.

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon

Neil before me

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I can't find my 'Gone In 60 seconds' DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

πŸ‘︎ 461
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**

Taken from fb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XDG-Diggz74
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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In Africa, every 60 seconds…

A minute passes

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Guy's doctor tells him he's sick. He says "I want a second opinion."

Doc says "Okay, you're ugly too."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_boris
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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South Korean scientists created an artificial star for 20 seconds...

It's a whole new take on Asian Fusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustStargazin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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My New Year’s Resolution this year is to stop second guessing everything.

Wait, is that even a good enough resolution? Idk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/salvedavus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.

This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?

It's a minute tour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Climbing through my window on the first floor was easy. But if it was the second floor,

That'd be a different story all together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro_Lancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime

Ya don’t say.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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It’s only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...

I hope she feels gelty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?

Because I want to know

πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I am about to become a dad for the second time...

Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dugsalvador
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Took me a second πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesDesign11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NullVoidPointer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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The German government is calling for everybody to stock up on sausage and cheese in case of a second lockdown.

It's the Wurst-kΓ€se-scenario

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JFCBrouwer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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How do you get to second base with a ghost?

You touch its BOO-bies.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funbot45
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I saw a one handed man go into a second hand store.

He left disappointed

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsYoAzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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It took me a second..
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alrfooa1992
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.

In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sellwinerugs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.

I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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What did the first floor say to the second floor?

I’m board.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the nurse get second chair in the symphony?

Because they were a Band-Aid

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anakin_I_am_on_PC
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife says I second guess all of my decisions

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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0 - 200 in 3 seconds.

A wealthy man and his wife are living together.

One day his wife says to him; "If you really love me, then I expect something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds parked in our driveway tomorrow!".

The next morning she rushes out the door to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftClickMadness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I want to buy a second NBA team in Miami.

At the press conference, when they ask me what the team name is, I’ll say, β€œit’s not the Heat. It’s the Humidity.”

(Credit to Brian Regan)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Munger88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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I was told I second guess myself too much..

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wedge001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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One of my best friends had her 50th birthday today and I told her β€œmy next ones will only last 50 seconds!” She said, β€œReally?”

And, I said β€œYes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VolensEtValens
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the second best writing utencil that is the last of its kind?

The penultimate, ultimate pen.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kernrivers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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The second meme I've ever made. Not sure if I should stick with it.
πŸ‘︎ 511
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coorotaku
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Did you know that a single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information? Meaning that, during 3 seconds long ejaculation, more than 11,250 TERA bytes of information is transmitted.

That's alot of information to swallow.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mooshoopork4
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second person ever to step on the moon.....

Neil before me

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamGuha
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon...

Neil before him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_voided
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens every 60 seconds?

A minute passes

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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