My second pun:
I was disappointed by my recent theatre trip the other day: I thought it was a comedy set in a hospital but turns out it was just a play on wards.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 15 2020
Not my first pun but second pun here. Don't WINE about my Photoshop skills.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Feb 06 2020
The genie asked, "Whatβs your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "Whatβs your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
As English my second language, pretty proud of this one.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
π︎ 196
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesnβt make a pregnant Barbie.
I told her it was because Ken came in another box.
π︎ 180
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon
π︎ 138
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
I can't find my 'Gone In 60 seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
π︎ 461
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
π︎ 41
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
In Africa, every 60 secondsβ¦
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Guy's doctor tells him he's sick. He says "I want a second opinion."
Doc says "Okay, you're ugly too."
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
π︎ 51
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
South Korean scientists created an artificial star for 20 seconds...
It's a whole new take on Asian Fusion.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
My New Yearβs Resolution this year is to stop second guessing everything.
Wait, is that even a good enough resolution? Idk
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?
π︎ 182
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
Climbing through my window on the first floor was easy. But if it was the second floor,
That'd be a different story all together.
π︎ 297
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Itβs only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?
π︎ 270
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500.
The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him
βThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.β
He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining βjingle bellsβ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations..
βRudolphβ βFrosty the Snowmanβ βDrummer Boyβ even βI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausβ in the best impersonations heβs ever heard!
The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β No no honey this works watchβ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs.
βNO honey it really works watch!β
βIm going to bed, Merry Christmasβ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs.
βWAIT Honey, one more time, please!β
He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out
βCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
I am about to become a dad for the second time...
Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weβre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, βwhere do I drop it off?β
She says, βGo in the front door and thereβs a little desk that you -β
βDonβt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?β
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Took me a second π
π︎ 46
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
The German government is calling for everybody to stock up on sausage and cheese in case of a second lockdown.
It's the Wurst-kΓ€se-scenario
π︎ 52
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
How do you get to second base with a ghost?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
I saw a one handed man go into a second hand store.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
It took me a second..
π︎ 72
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldnβt have been on that escalator.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he wonβt do that.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
What did the first floor say to the second floor?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
Why did the nurse get second chair in the symphony?
Because they were a Band-Aid
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My wife says I second guess all of my decisions
π︎ 221
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
0 - 200 in 3 seconds.
A wealthy man and his wife are living together.
One day his wife says to him; "If you really love me, then I expect something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds parked in our driveway tomorrow!".
The next morning she rushes out the door to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
I want to buy a second NBA team in Miami.
At the press conference, when they ask me what the team name is, Iβll say, βitβs not the Heat. Itβs the Humidity.β
(Credit to Brian Regan)
π︎ 21
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
I was told I second guess myself too much..
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 20 2020
One of my best friends had her 50th birthday today and I told her βmy next ones will only last 50 seconds!β She said, βReally?β
And, I said βYes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
What do you call the second best writing utencil that is the last of its kind?
The penultimate, ultimate pen.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
The second meme I've ever made. Not sure if I should stick with it.
π︎ 511
π
︎ Apr 12 2020
Did you know that a single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information? Meaning that, during 3 seconds long ejaculation, more than 11,250 TERA bytes of information is transmitted.
That's alot of information to swallow.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
π︎ 27k
π
︎ May 16 2020
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second person ever to step on the moon.....
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...
π︎ 61
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon...
π︎ 34
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
What happens every 60 seconds?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
