My dad called while I was in the bathroom. I texted him "taking a dump, call you in a sec"

he replied "Drop what you're doing and call me"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penisourusrex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Took me a sec

http://i.imgur.com/svwh5T4.png

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thunder216
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
🚨︎ report
What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?

58

πŸ‘︎ 392
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πŸ‘€︎ u/larryb78
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A book my son is reading. Nothing but fart jokes/puns
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/epona14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been reading some history on the French revolution and found out what happened to Louis XVI's head

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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We will, we will rock you!
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanjirahope
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people realy love breakfast, but I'm the opposite...

I build slow

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaPlaya
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!

Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Bi-sickle
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alis-n-Wonderland
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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The best way to get dad joked:

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that fully grown deer don't like melted cheese?

But their fawn do

πŸ‘︎ 460
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCHZY
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Life’s a beach
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quivant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?

Herastandin pepper.

Courtesy of my very own father

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terry-Fold
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I had some liver delivered

And received an empty box

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacsBinder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no shins

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crusty-muhammad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My quarantined stock broker was just arrested!

The SEC got him for insider trading.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
When Bruce Jenner said he wanted to retire abroad I thought he meant he’d be going overseas
πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cornskin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Batman that skips church?

Christian Bale

πŸ‘︎ 675
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigmikesbeingnice
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an iphone whose screen came off ?

Detached retina

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zucc_the_lizard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I hope the inventor of the whiteboard realizes how truly remarkable his creation is.
πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/platypuns
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
🚨︎ report
This guy (showing off his tan lines) will be a great dad in the future
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madhoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2013
🚨︎ report
What did the members of ABBA say to Mr. Aykroyd when they wanted to hear Bohemian Rhapsody at karaoke night?

Dan, sing Queen!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What's E.T. Short For?

Because he only has 2 tiny legs...

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taylordprints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjokes at the bar

I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.

Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"

Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."

As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.

Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"

Husband: "I'm hanging on."

The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.

So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.

Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"

Bartender groans.

Wife: "Yes, please."

I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toews4pres
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Basic Trigonometry revisited. imgur.com/bgvj6GJ
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silvrado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
🚨︎ report
How do you organize a space party?

You plan it

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pobkey2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
🚨︎ report
How can you distinguish an alligator from a crocodile

by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in awhile.

it took me a sec..

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My kids asked me why, even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years...

I answered, "It's because I just can't part with it!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old son got me with this one

I was running outside for a minute to get something out of the car.

Me: I'll be back in a sec.
goes outside, comes back in 30 seconds later
Him: Hi Back in a sec, I'm Thomas. Me: ...uh ...what?
Him: You said you'd be Back in a sec.
Me laughing

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeLouie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
It just blurted out

I was home alone a few hours ago and wanted to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I apply peanut butter and then go downstairs for jelly since there's none upstairs. I grab a new jar and try to open it. However I am incredibly weak so I fail to get it open. After five to ten minutes of trying to open it, I call my mother who is out running errands.

"Mom, are you coming home soon?" "No, why?" "... I can't get this jelly jar open..." "Look in the top shelf with the silverware. There's a red plastic thing. That's a jar opener, use that." "Alright, one sec..." Jar opens "YES!!" Jumps for joy and rushes back to phone "THANK YOU SO MUCH MOM!" "No problem." "I was in a real jam." mom hangs up, sighing

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunarDrop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call the friend zone?

Palcatraz

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2016
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(At target) Look mom, a Dory ball...

I didn't think it was that cute

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bloopilot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Boyfriends dad last night...

We were leaving his parents' house, but I was pausing in the doorway to watch the last 30 seconds of a scene that was on TV.

Bf - Well, are you coming?

Me - Yeah, just a sec, this scene is intense.

Bf's Dad - I DONT SEE ANY TENTS.

We exit.

πŸ‘︎ 268
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catherinehavok
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why record stores failed...

...they had record sales every year.

Creds: @FortWorth_SEC

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperSpy827
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad's favorite joke.

Dad: "C'mon, let's go we're gonna be late!"

Me: "K, just a sec."

Dad: "Don't have time for sex, we gotta go."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IIIbrohonestlyIII
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled out this gem while watching Man of Steel

During a scene where a wandering and shirtless Superman takes someone's clothes from a random clothesline...

Me: Wait a sec, Superman doesn't steal!

Dad: Sure he does. Why do you think this movie is called "Man of Steal"?

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKPhilly1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke Fail

My son was talking about something that I don't even remember, I made an initial Dad joke that we then talked about for a sec, and he realised he couldn't remember what he was talking about.

Son: You made me forget! You're a tool!

Me: How could you forget I'm a tool? Wait! ^No!^fuck...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuromesh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Checking into a Hotel

Just checked in at a hotel and checked in for my dad as well. Texted him to let him know our room numbers.

Me: "Got keys, we're in 115 and 113."

Dad: "Huh. That's odd."

Took me a sec...

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ddr330
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Phone call

Sitting at home today because no school, dad calls

Dad: "Hey, can you check quickly if the basement computer is running?" Me: "Sure, just a sec.... yeah it's running, why?" Dad: "Well, you better go catch it" click.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrToastyToast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
🚨︎ report
Do you know ?

Me : do you know ? She :what? Me : joule per sec

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/himanshu207
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this counts (but its totally a dad move)

My wife and daughter picked me up from work today.

As I'm turning to lock the door, my daughter wants to race me.

'Hold on a sec so I can lock the door'

Then I asked her if she wants to take my keys out of the lock. As soon as she does, I take off for the car.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Grandad got me while painting.

I was painting this rock wall for my grandfather, and he was making sure I did a good job.

I said "Don't worry grandad, I won't leave any stone unturned".

He turned around for a sec and said "Did I ever tell you about my friend who walked along the beach, carrying rocks? He always left no tern unstoned"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pasta755
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
🚨︎ report

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