A-door-able Valentineβs Puns
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My brotherβs pun game is strong...
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︎ Jun 23 2020
There was a man who entered a local paperβs pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at ο»Ώleast one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, ο»Ώno pun in ten did.
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︎ Apr 05 2017
In honor of Motherβs Day, Iβd just like to say,
βthank you for your cervix.β
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︎ May 09 2021
Thatβs a moray
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︎ Apr 21 2021
My wife called me at work and said βitβs time, the baby is comingβ
I said thatβs impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
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︎ May 01 2021
Pandoraβs box wasnβt actually a box.
In fact, all the trouble started because it was ajar.
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︎ May 09 2021
Whatβs the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Whatβs the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a commaβs a pause at the end of a clause.
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︎ May 06 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
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︎ Mar 26 2021
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him thereβs specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded βoh so thereβs reddiquette to it thenβ
(Also heβs on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
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︎ May 04 2021
Whatβs the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her sheβs wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Whatβs the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office?
If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I switched all the labels on my wifeβs spice rack
She doesnβt know it yet, but her thymeβs cumin
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︎ May 01 2021
Heβs wright!
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Itβs kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Itβs sad the neighborhood went down the crapper
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︎ Apr 10 2021
At least heβs trying
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︎ Feb 27 2021
βSo whatβs it like living in the mountains?β
Itβs got itβs ups and downs
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What do you call an acid thatβs a bully?
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︎ May 07 2021
Whatβs the most expensive haircut?
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︎ May 07 2021
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, whatβs on the outside?
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Boss canβt see her employeeβs hard work
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︎ May 09 2021
Whatβs the leading cause of dry skin
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︎ May 05 2021
Whatβs the opposite of a cannibal?
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︎ May 06 2021
I canβt believe itβs not butter!
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︎ Jan 21 2021
What do you call a mortician that steals dead peopleβs underwear?
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︎ Apr 11 2021
Me: the earth isnβt flat. Fiat Earther: correct. Me: huh? Fiat Earther: itβs the shape an italian car. Me: what?
Fiat Earther: you read my name wrong didnβt you?
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︎ Apr 10 2021
Whatβs an alcoholicβs favorite book?
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︎ May 06 2021
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
My mom thanked me for coming to visit for Motherβs Day.
I said βthanks for having me.β
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︎ May 10 2021
So I asked my dad one day: βWhatβs a forklift?β
And he said βfood usuallyβ.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
The skyβs the limit
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I am at the waiting room of the doctorβs office, wondering when my girlfriendβs checkup will be over.
Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.
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︎ May 06 2021
"Whatβs your name, son?"
The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Whatβs the difference between Jelly and Jam?
Iβve never jellyβd my finger in a door before
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︎ Apr 29 2021
what did the cell say when itβs sister stepped on itβs foot
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︎ May 04 2021
Itβs a complex complex.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Thatβs just plumb funny.
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︎ Apr 20 2021
The genie asked, "Whatβs your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "Whatβs your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Itβs too late to make Suez Canal jokes now
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Whoβs the richest fish in the world?
Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft!
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︎ May 02 2021
May the Fourth be with you! Todayβs Argyle Sweater, 5/4/21
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︎ May 05 2021
Whatβs it called when all the smart people get vaccinated?
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︎ May 04 2021
I signed up for my companyβs 401k
But Iβm nervous because Iβve never ran that far before.
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︎ May 08 2021
My wife told me to stop singing βIβm a believerβ because itβs annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
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︎ May 01 2021
Iβve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table... I know itβs genuine because . . .
it has a bit of veneer missing.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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︎ Jan 17 2021
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