A-door-able Valentine’s Puns
My brother’s pun game is strong...
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
Pandora’s box wasn’t actually a box.
In fact, all the trouble started because it was ajar.
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her she’s wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
What’s the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office?
If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack
She doesn’t know it yet, but her thyme’s cumin
It’s kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
It’s sad the neighborhood went down the crapper
“So what’s it like living in the mountains?”
It’s got it’s ups and downs
What do you call an acid that’s a bully?
What’s the most expensive haircut?
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?
Boss can’t see her employee’s hard work
What’s the leading cause of dry skin
What’s the opposite of a cannibal?
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
What do you call a mortician that steals dead people’s underwear?
Me: the earth isn’t flat. Fiat Earther: correct. Me: huh? Fiat Earther: it’s the shape an italian car. Me: what?
Fiat Earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
What’s an alcoholic’s favorite book?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My mom thanked me for coming to visit for Mother’s Day.
I said “thanks for having me.”
So I asked my dad one day: “What’s a forklift?”
And he said “food usually”.
I am at the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wondering when my girlfriend’s checkup will be over.
Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.
"What’s your name, son?"
The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
What’s the difference between Jelly and Jam?
I’ve never jelly’d my finger in a door before
what did the cell say when it’s sister stepped on it’s foot
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
It’s too late to make Suez Canal jokes now
Who’s the richest fish in the world?
Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft!
May the Fourth be with you! Today’s Argyle Sweater, 5/4/21
What’s it called when all the smart people get vaccinated?
I signed up for my company’s 401k
But I’m nervous because I’ve never ran that far before.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” because it’s annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table... I know it’s genuine because . . .
it has a bit of veneer missing.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.