Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Took me a minute I can’t lie
πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i_like_miniwheats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...

...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 162
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/feltonpbeaver
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late

The ball was dropped at the ball drop.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fleeves
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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A pinguin decided to cancel his wedding last minute.

I guess he got cold feet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DontReplyToMePlz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago

First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')

My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thefishwhisperer1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 20k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.

It’s just a curd to me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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I made this up a couple of minutes ago

What do you call an ant that has a lot of alternatives? A vari-ant

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PolyBon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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A minute ago my calculator was fine and now, mysteriously, it's not working.

Something just doesn't add up.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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One minute you're young and fun..

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I should've gone to bed at least 30 minutes ago...

But I suppose everybody's hindsight is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FieryFruitcake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Wait a minute
πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ForceIsSleeping
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know being a minute is the most dangerous job on the planet?

Because every 60 seconds, a minute passes

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TitanGuppie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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This just happened like 2 minutes ago and my dad is creased at himself

My mam saw a channel on the telly called the Deja Vu channel so she asked my dad what it was.

He replied with β€˜I’m not sure but I swear I’ve seen it before’

He’s now pissing himself laughing and mam doesn’t get it

πŸ‘︎ 150
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper

It was a pain in the ass

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imkindaspiffy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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It took me 20 minutes to find the mollusk in my fish tank

It was very well clamoflaged

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeabaSquad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...

I used the beans to bean the beans.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KatLikeGaming
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...

There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...

We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuestionableQuery
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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1 minute when she turns 62
πŸ‘︎ 464
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be there on time.

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....

Well dam.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJustAmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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Holed Up βœ‹ Wait a minute
πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday and we stood there looking at the trees for about 30 minutes

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nymphomanius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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I give myself 30 minutes in my daily schedule to do abs.

I call that time period Crunch Time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lol_u_ded
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Why does the minute hate running marathons?

No matter how fast it runs, it's always 60 second...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pokefan713
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The meeting was at 8 and I was 10 minutes late, so I couldn't 8:10 the meeting.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro_Code
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute

After all it is her thirty second birthday

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidgyboat5955
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Haha ... wait a minute
πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uhhhhhh_username
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time

I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute...
πŸ‘︎ 366
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/berryvigdick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:

Speak now or forever hold your pee

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call 60 minutes of pain?

An OWur!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jbs1018
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was having dinner a few minutes ago, and I came to the conclusion that tofu is really overrated.

It’s just a curd to me.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.

It’s just a curd to me.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk to the bar, but a 35 minute walk home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cultjake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...

And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wB68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JSC_SLP
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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