Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
Took me a minute I can’t lie
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late
The ball was dropped at the ball drop.
A pinguin decided to cancel his wedding last minute.
I guess he got cold feet.
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
I made this up a couple of minutes ago
What do you call an ant that has a lot of alternatives?
A vari-ant
A minute ago my calculator was fine and now, mysteriously, it's not working.
Something just doesn't add up.
One minute you're young and fun..
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
I should've gone to bed at least 30 minutes ago...
But I suppose everybody's hindsight is 2020.
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500.
The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him
“This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.”
He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations..
“Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard!
The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs.
“NO honey it really works watch!”
“Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs.
“WAIT Honey, one more time, please!”
He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out
“CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
Did you know being a minute is the most dangerous job on the planet?
Because every 60 seconds, a minute passes
This just happened like 2 minutes ago and my dad is creased at himself
My mam saw a channel on the telly called the Deja Vu channel so she asked my dad what it was.
He replied with ‘I’m not sure but I swear I’ve seen it before’
He’s now pissing himself laughing and mam doesn’t get it
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper
It took me 20 minutes to find the mollusk in my fish tank
It was very well clamoflaged
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...
There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
1 minute when she turns 62
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....
I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday and we stood there looking at the trees for about 30 minutes
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
I give myself 30 minutes in my daily schedule to do abs.
I call that time period Crunch Time.
Why does the minute hate running marathons?
No matter how fast it runs, it's always 60 second...
The meeting was at 8 and I was 10 minutes late, so I couldn't 8:10 the meeting.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
What do you call 60 minutes of pain?
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I was having dinner a few minutes ago, and I came to the conclusion that tofu is really overrated.
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It's a 5 minute walk to the bar, but a 35 minute walk home.
The difference is staggering.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
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