Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
Well dam.
After all it is her thirty second birthday
It’s his 32nd birthday.
That would be soda pressing.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.
I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.
He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
A water lily
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
"...have plaque on your wall?"
Her: looks at me, perplexed Me: They just said it’s the sixty second Grammy awards... Her: Get out
“In a minute.”
It wasn't the most accurate, but it gets the point across.
And then it hit me
...Please hold the lion.
"Twenty second film in the MCU" my ass.
That was some weird al cohol
Me: hm I thought I was 5:30 My husband: it was just for a minute.
ImPeck-able
The chair I usually sit on is covered in papers.
I tell him, "I'm gonna sit on it," whilst moving the papers out of the way.
He replies, "Don't do that. Sitting on tax hurts"
That way you start 2018 off on the right foot!
This joke and an anti vaxxer.
"Sure, as long as you give me back"
It came in Seconds place.
Walking out of a hardware store with my friend he sees a new Coke brand refrigerator. He says,
"My dad tried to get one like that but he couldn't find one. They don't sell them to just anyone"
I immediately responded,
"Yeah you've gotta be a coke dealer"
Laughing ensued on my part all the way home while he just looked at me like I betrayed him. I'm assuming that means it was a perfect dad joke.
I still can’t believe he spent that much time figuring out how a timer works.
Her: The recipe says, Step 3: Prick with a fork to make sure it’s cooked.
I've done some pretty exhaustive research on this.
Courtesy of my Dad this Thanksgiving.
1 2
So I'm walking to the break room at work, and for a bit of background, I work in a small factory in a small town of 900. The workforce here has an average age of about 50, me being 20 makes me the youngest person here. Needless to say, I hear dadjokes 24/7, but this one is the best..so far.
I'm walking to the break room and I hear my coworker George call out for me. I stop walking and wait for him to approach. He leans in and says, "How far do you think you would have gotten if I hadn't hollered at you?"
Goddamnit, George.
We're driving through our neighborhood and a guy pulls out quick and wife says "watch out for the guy pulling out." My 4 year old is at the ask everything stage and says "what's pulling out?" Me "well son, if I did that a little sooner you wouldn't be here" My wife wasn't impressed but it gets better.
So someone in the family recently had a baby and were talking about it and son says "why don't daddies have babies?" We explain and he asks where babies come from. I chime in as I am getting out of the car "well, now we come back to pulling out". He was so confused, wife was pissed but I had a good laugh. I think I'll keep it g rated next time.
Hickory Dickory Dock
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS
I work in sales at a car dealership. Old man drives on lot. me: "sir do you need a hand?" old man: "no thanks, I've got two"
I chuckled with him.
After I asked her where he came back from, I told her he must have been dead tired.
http://i.imgur.com/pXZIVgo.png
http://imgur.com/2MJ6f4B
It's my thirty second birthday.
It's my 32nd birthday (true story).
