I've landed my dream job at the guillotine factory...

Will beheading there tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.

But that sort of thing stick in your mind.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory

I’ll beheading there shortly

Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jk72788
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of visiting The Golden Gate in person.

She said, β€œWhat would you do when you finally see it?”

I said, β€œI’ll cross the bridge when I get there.”

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid dreams of one day living in the attic.

He has lofty ambitions.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who loved to catch butterflies married the woman of his dreams:

Annette.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My dream of becoming the first professional boxer/pirate were crushed....

The boxing commission said my right hook was illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Next month, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in San Francisco in person.

My wife said, β€œWhat are you going to do when you finally see it?”

Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

πŸ‘︎ 430
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda

It was a Fanta Sea

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadynasty94
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally got married to the woman of my dreams from Czechoslovakia.

Czech Mate!

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I once had a dream about the future

There was milk in the fridge

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gl1tchyVirus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The man of our dreams
πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rooteen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor, told him I keep having these dreams I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. Teepee then a wigwam. What's wrong with me, I asked.

Oh, that's easy, said the doctor: you're two tents. (too tense)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Deetz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.

I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a dream where I was a wharf accused by the state of committing a crime...

I had a right to trial with a jury of my piers.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Woke up with this joke from a dream I had last night. β€œWhat personality trait is the most cleansing?”

Good Moral Fiber.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lefthandedfreak
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The other night, I had a dream about being chased by an armored horse.

It was a knight mare.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EGOfoodie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
It's my dream to become the CEO of Subway, if for no other reason than to get rid of the horrible job title "Sandwich Artist."

I just feel like they need a more accurate job title, like Sub Humans.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jagsfreak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, β€œ1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.”

β€œIt was quite a hectic evening.”

πŸ‘︎ 548
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to tell me wife about a dream I had where I was weaving the hair of the Philadelphia Flyer's mascot into intricate braids...

She was disgusted, and told me she didn't want the Knit-ty Gritty details.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, β€œIts always been my dream to walk you down the aisle.”

She said, β€œDad, we are grocery shopping.”

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Hobbit.

Apparently I was Tolkien in my sleep

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a terrible dream the other night that I was a tail pipe... I could barely sleep.

I woke up exhausted!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noobmoney_rs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I have big dreams about doing electrical work around the house, but my wife is the sensible one

She keeps me grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a recurring dream that I lose the ability to taste, see, smell, hear and feel.

My wife says it's nonsense.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepixelcat2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea

She's my Seoul mate

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snowman50
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Son born in a car named Carson. The dream Dad
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaywoah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half of the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theswarthyknight
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What would you name a book that's about a horse's dreams in the middle ages?

The Nightmares of a Knight's Mare.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vernal59
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a dream that I ate the world’s biggest marshmallow

and the next morning my pillow was gone.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprice-3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a dream last night I was cutting carrots with the grim reaper...

I was dicing with death πŸ’€

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CPike90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a dream last night that I posted the best Dad joke ever on Reddit,

Thanks for making my dream come true.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm building my dream home, and doing most of the work myself. About to start the second story, so I bought a book to learn how to build a staircase.

It's a step by step guide

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ServalSpots
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
"Happiness does not fall out of the blue, and dreams will not come true by themselves."

That's what Xi said.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mortambulist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night I meet the woman of my dreams.

Bed is a great place to be.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Driconian
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a dream last night where I was driving with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other...

I was tossing and turning all night...

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I had the world’s best showerthought but it got washed down the drain. Now it’s just a pipe dream.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SettingsData
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda

It was a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joebaby1975
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, β€œWhat are you going to do when you see it?”

I said, β€œLet’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda.

It was a Fanta Sea.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheshatinmyoven
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night I had a dream that the ocean turned orange.......

but it was just a Fanta sea

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banjowashisnameo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "it's always been my dream to walk you down the aisle."

She said: "Dad, we are grocery shopping."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are going on a trip to San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, β€œ What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, β€œLet’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

Her: What would you do when we see it?

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report

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