A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinterWolf041
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep during Catholic mass.

I'm a Bored Again Christian.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teeim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?

I said β€œIt’s pasture bedtime”.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car?

He woke up oily in the morning

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GitShiggles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep before New Years

Then Woke up in another year

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wienerbuttnipple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does my motorcycle keep falling asleep?

Because it's two tired

πŸ‘︎ 723
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordTrollsworth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If your in the bottom bunk of a bunk bed and someone's asleep in the top bunk,

Does that mean you're under a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Br4ve_He4rt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?

Count Draculas.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My toes fell asleep after I wore shoes that were too small

They're now comatose

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My tape measure fell asleep

I found it very inch-resting

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep last night while reading some old magazines.

I woke up with back issues.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My Daughter Fell Asleep in the Car And Someone Called the Cops

They told the cops that they had just witnessed a kid napping.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't Jeff Bezos fall asleep?

He didn't have his pajamazon

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nthensome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching a series about crushed tomatoes but I fell asleep.

Now I have to ketchup.

edit: my boyfriend is incredibly proud of his joke so this became my first reddit post

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_misstntx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I think the front of my foot has gone dead-asleep.

Now they are a bunch of coma-toes.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadyingRuck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep with my pet bunny in my bed last night.

I woke up with the hare standing on the back of my neck.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when your foot falls asleep?

Comatose.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon_Elvert
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do spies keep working even when they're asleep ?

Cos they're undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My dog fell asleep on my copy of the screenplay for Dodgeball...

It's a true underdog story.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing

I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maraudershake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.

He’s really embraced remote learning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My butt fell asleep during a meeting today.

Now it’s going to be up all night.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoilerBear1971
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
"How long were you asleep last night?" asked my therapist, assessing my face.

"Same as usual," I replied. "About five foot ten."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a bed that was advertised as making you fall asleep in under 5 minutes. It didn't work.

I guess it's a bunk bed.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JEJoll
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I fell asleep at the wheel.

I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dexter_Adams
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Trying to fall asleep a few nights ago, I asked my wife, "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"

She said, "Cats. They check all my boxes." We let that sink in before we both started laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cartgladi8r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost fell asleep at the tire shop

It was just so tiring.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcpat21
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
So today I fell asleep on the toilet and my two sons love to pretend they are cowboys they saw I was asleep and they put something on my head

When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/random_nothinghd
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Mods are asleep, so here's an imperial ruler
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdeal888
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Is scrolling through Reddit on your phone making you fall asleep?

There’s a nap for that.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid takes melatonin to help him fall asleep ...
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ByDeleted
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep

or if you operated on the right patient.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/galiyaan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife says she can't fall asleep after drinking coffee. For me I will the opposite...

...I can't drink coffee after I fall asleep.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkmeatchicken
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Only part of my leg fell asleep but it's been asleep a long time

I fear I have coma toes

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.

Boy, was my face red!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My dragon is asleep

He's now dragoff.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gitrikt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Mods are asleep, upvote perfectly cut screen
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maggi_mix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone got trolleyed last night, fell asleep outside my house, and can't stand up
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
All the members of Greenday have fallen asleep

Remind me to wake them up when September ends

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A farmer’s convict son was supposed to be helping him with the chores. When he looked behind the barn, his son was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What condition are your toes in when your feet fall asleep?

Comatose

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A mechanic fell asleep and was crushed when another mechanic didn’t see him and lowered the lift. Cause of death? He was tire’d.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
If you see some cows asleep in a field...

is it pasture bedtime?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Darn! My leg fell asleep...

...it is going to be up all night.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mar_kelp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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