Time to Wake Up
God, life's been napping me hard lately. It's taken its bed and slammed me hard in the chest, super-napping hard, no pillow or anything. I know, I know: at some point, I have to take some responsibility for my actions. But seriously. Some things you gotta just chalk down to life and its mothersleeping propensity for napping you in the butt.
Fine, I'll get it out of the way. I have a problem: I'm addicted to sleeping. Can't get enough of it. Some days, I spend the first ten hours in bed and don't get up until five. I've tried the usual advice, forcing myself to stay out of the house all day so I'm not tempted to pull out my pillow in public. It doesn't work. Everywhere I go, there's always an opportune nook or cranny to squat in and take a quick snooze. I've done it in the bathroom, of course. There's a nice bathroom at the coffeeshop down the street from my apartment, and it's literally made for napping. It's a single room, nice and spacious with enough space to lie down without having to curl up against the toilet. There's a chalkboard to accommodate graffiti-related urges, and I've seen plenty of random propositions scrawled upon it: "Call 123-4567 for a good time, no snoring," but even I'm not desperate enough to sleep with random bathroomgoers. Well, at least not after the one time I tried a number and got a man on the other end. Not hating on homosomniasts; it's just not my thing.
But hell, I'll fall asleep in any bathroom. I've taken naps in dingy stalls with my pants around my ankles and my elbows pressed to my thighs and my bowels in the middle of a movement. When I wake up, my legs are asleep and the sun's gone down and I'm still tempted to just stay there and doze off for another fifteen minutes or so. A quick powernap while the seat's still comfortable. It's times like those that really sober me up, make me wonder what the nap I'm doing with my life.
It's not enough, though. No matter my attempts at resolve, no matter how many times the post-somnia shame washes over me, I still forget myself and succumb to the urges. My friends can sense it; they see the sleep lingering on my eyes, smell the musk on my breath, and whisper about me behind my back. I've begun to skip out on their invitations, and I can just hear them rolling their eyes at my excuses before hanging up. They know I have a problem, but what can they do?
They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can crawl back up. For some, that may be true, but I think
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
The doctor says it terminal.
Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
Do your worst!
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
He lost May
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
And now I’m cannelloni
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Put it on my bill
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
Calcium, nickel, neon
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Pilot on me!!
Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
Nothing, he was gladiator.
The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors”
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
