I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I apologise if this isn't allowed.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it's terminal.
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Took me a minute I can’t lie
Puns aren’t the aphrodisiac I thought they were.
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote
I don’t know why everyone seem to have a problem with vegans.
I have never had a beef with one.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
I'm disappointed this Bible for the blind isn't called "The Holy Braille"
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t even well rounded.
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.
This is because concrete floors are really hard.
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
It’s a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldn’t whisk for a batter friend.
I was told I can't use eBay anymore.
I don't know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin'
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.
I can't stand people without toes!
I guess that makes me lacktoes intolerant.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
So, I’ve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I don’t buy into it.
I guess you could say that I’m anti-biotic.
I can’t believe it’s not...
I don't trust stairs.
They're always up to something or they always let you down.
I can't tell dad jokes
Because he's not here. I'll tell him when he's back though.
Edit: Thank u for the award kind stranger. :D
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt...
I don't want to say 2021...
...because it sounds like Twenty Twenty Won.
I can't find my 'Gone In 60 seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
I can’t do good work in Excel without getting compliments,
I really need the validation.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Dad: I really don’t trust these trees
Son: Huh? What? Why?
Dad: They seem kinda…. shady
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Don’t know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didn’t get it(third line)
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
I think it may be terminal
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal
I don’t trust stairs...
^(because they’re always up to something.)
I don’t trust stairs... you wanna know why?
Because they’re always up to something!
Wanna know why I don't trust stairs?
They're always up to something...
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