If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldn’t have a son anymore
I have finished childproofing my home but I didn't do a good job.
My kids are still able to get in the house.
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.
Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.
But now I stand corrected.
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
You can't do this to me. I know my rights!
My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
I meant to cross post it but I don’t know why I cannot cross post so here is the screenshot version
I buy all my guns from a guy who calls himself "T-Rex."
He's a small arms dealer.
I don’t understand why my son was so upset I gave him broken down cardboard for his birthday.
He’s the one who kept asking for an ex-box.
I don't even know how many puns I made here. I am a pun-aholic.
Sometimes I use big words I don't understand
Just to make me sound more photosynthesis
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the dress that ballerinas wear.
Then I put tu and tu together.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL! I don’t know if this is a scam or not?
I’ve just received a phone call saying I’ve won £250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show, then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Has anyone else had this?!
I don’t mean to brag but...
Cashiers are always checking me out
Five years back I couldn’t pay my electricity bill, those were the dark days of my life
I don't mean to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, I know what all you are thinking right now. "It's spelt psychic, you idiot. "
I don't want to see anymore tampon jokes here
I don’t like pencil drawings of dark alleys
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
This has so much potential but I just can’t think of anything!
I don't understand the controversy behind cloning.
I’ve noticed lately that my feet don’t smell very good.
So I’ve started using my nose instead.
I’ll be honest, I don’t trust the stairs in my house.
They’re up to something...
I wanted to go to the local aquarium to see the new dolphin show, but when I got there I couldn’t get in.
It was closed for training porpoises.
I couldn't figure out how the change machine worked...
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
I once dated a girl missing 1 leg, it didn't work out though...
I'm lack toes intolerant.
I find it hilarious when people use big words they don't fully understand to make themselves feel more...
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn’t come with a driver.
I can’t believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
Her : I am leaving , I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .
Me : Wait . I can change .
I wasn’t very close to my father when he died. In hindsight it was a good thing.
He stepped on a landmine.
Wasn't really planning on laughing today, til I saw this!! xD
I can't believe I just dated a german nationalist! But I guess it's obvious, looking back on it
I mean, there were red flags all over the place
My wife told me she would bang my head off the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I don't believe heryhhxfukklo8764eh89kg4ghi9hde3yhoonib7v6c5x4xv9n8vx4&6c79b9n
Siri just said “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”
Turns out I’d left my phone in Airplane mode.
I couldn't sleep last night so I read a dictionary
By 03:00 I was past caring.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
I don't know how to paddle in a canoe
I don’t mean to brag, but...
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won £250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."
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