I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I apologise if this isn't allowed.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I tried dating a communist, but it didn’t work out.
There were too many red flags.
Puns aren’t the aphrodisiac I thought they were.
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
Took me a minute I can’t lie
I can't believe someone stole my limbo stick.
Like seriously, how low can you go ?
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is poor grammar.
He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
I don't think she was impressed with me
I certainly don’t have nerd immunity. 🤦🏼♂️
I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...
All I did was take a day off.
I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
I'm disappointed this Bible for the blind isn't called "The Holy Braille"
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I don’t know why everyone seem to have a problem with vegans.
I have never had a beef with one.
I always buy my weapons from a guy called T-Rex.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but don’t worry...
I’m all right.
buh-dum-tsss
I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.
I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor.”
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
Why don't I do Hitler jokes ?
Because they are outta mein kampfort zone
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?
That's where I draw the line.
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
My wife said I shouldn’t wear the same sweater two days in a row...
I told her it was a cardAGAIN.
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing stuff from his highway maintenance job.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing street names right off the posts.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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