Minute and second of arc Puns

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

At this rate, he will never be there on time.

And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

"I artichoke you for that"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

I should have known they'd dyne and dash.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

It appears completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.

“AAAH! TALKING MUFFIN!!!”

Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.

No tres passing.”

Poor bastard.

...poor little guy, covered in Paris Sites.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.

I hope she feels gelty.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

It's the Wurst-käse-scenario

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

That's what I do when I'm Russian

Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

They said it was grounds for termination.

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌

Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.

I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

"It's to look at. "

And, I said “Yes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!”

I told her I will address it when I get home

He really raised the bar on that one

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

A big fire in Boston.

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

Something just doesn't add up.

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

I'm looking forward to seeing Arrgghh-2-D2.

Speak now or forever hold your pee

An Instagator!

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.