My second pun:

I was disappointed by my recent theatre trip the other day: I thought it was a comedy set in a hospital but turns out it was just a play on wards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marpetpat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Not my first pun but second pun here. Don't WINE about my Photoshop skills.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c_lassi_k
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMMOPOWER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...

They don't make them like they are going to anymore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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Live savings spent in a second
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raven_007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Hi there, I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to ever walk on the moon..

Neil before me..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....

But you have to prove your jokes can land.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dogmatic_Catalyst
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
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I just thought of a great joke about second guessing

[removed]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimilarThought9
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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Why did the gardener get a second job?

He wasn't raking in enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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If you are on the first floor of a building, and someone one the second floor is being arrested, are you...

Under arrest?

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostgoat789
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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According to the second amendment, I have the right to bear arms

Now what do I do about the rest of the animal?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_ZEN0N_
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...

I should have known they'd dyne and dash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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Yesterday I received my second round of the Russian covid-19 vaccine...

It appears completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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My singing ensemble director told us we had to come to a second show.

It was re-choired!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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As English my second language, pretty proud of this one.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mamado21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Jesus give Judas a second chance?

Because Jesus didn't want to be double crossed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nichi789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a Native American community,

That would be called a reservation reservation reservation

Credit to Brian Regan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3pinephrine
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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There were two muffins in an oven, and one says to the other β€œis it just me, or is it getting hot in here?” Then the second one says-

β€œAAAH! TALKING MUFFIN!!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PurrfectlyFunny
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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I crossed the border into Mexico without much hassle. Crossing it a second time was fine too, but on the third time a guard stopped me and said β€œSorry

No tres passing.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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I came second in my Astronomy Quiz

Thankfully I got a constellation prize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop that’s included.

Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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I have 20 seconds to tell my joke

Damn who keeps taking my silver medals?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pax_flash
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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Got me for a second not gonna lie
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RRRRHa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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I started a second job as a stargazing instructor

It’s going to be class-ified under moonlight

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Epelep
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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This is what being American is all about. Second Amendment Lights.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Why did the clock go back four seconds?

Because it was hungry

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Two guys at a bar order drinks. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "Yeah, I'll have some H2O too."

The second guy died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Saw Buzz Aldrin today. Told my friend that he was the second man on the moon.

Neil before him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FredererPower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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The second COVID vaccine causes a speech disorder in Spanish speakers

They keep asking for dose dos

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJadedSF
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes

"I artichoke you for that"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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How many seconds are there in a year.

12 second

Edit1: Since so many of you guys are confused, it's like January second, February second and so on.

Edit2: No 22nd doesn't count.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsanandhere
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I can't find my 'Gone In 60 seconds' DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

πŸ‘︎ 460
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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Boy, that second impeachment...

...really trumps the first one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaserGecko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
After getting the first shot I'm really not looking forward to the second.

9mm bullets hurt like hell.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.

I told her it was because Ken came in another box.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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When you die, your eyes have a few extra seconds just before they die.

It's because they dilate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaachh_Ded
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call second thoughts about plans to visit a Native American sanctuary?

A reservation reservation reservation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
One of my coworkers said today is her thirty second birthday.

I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon.

Neil before me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/globevoyager_in
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MohanBhargava
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mooshoopork4
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
"I am Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon"

"Neil before me"

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon

Neil before me

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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