Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaAxel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..

..no one even raises an eyebrow.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?

Because you have a Tutankhamun.

Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TLEToyu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..

..this isn't for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.

That's karma for ya

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bo_veytia
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Guess they should read the bio next time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Littlegrayhair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?

It’s mail-dominated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SecondRateHack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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Sign of the times
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?

They only have a pair of trunks.

-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?

I pulled a mussel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gooballs1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time

I asked him if he’s okay. He said, β€œYeah, I’m great!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/makecents91
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirChemi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Was gonna tell you a time travelling joke but..

You didn't like it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayVShingala
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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First time posting here, please be lentil.
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought

It’s half empty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Akorical
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Best way to keep track of epic times!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsThisLegitTho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.

At least for the four-seeable future.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Here’s my favourite politically incorrect joke of all time.

Benjamin Franklin was the greatest American President.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...

...she’s sorry she ever married me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Time fly!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hello_stranger-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...

Turns out I have stereo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TragedyMaskBand
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haimeows
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Whats the best time on a clock?

6:30, hands down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before he’ll laugh?

Ten Tickles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewave07
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Every time I buy it
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mookx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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Why can't the bike ever get up on time?

Two tired.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/realtjmusic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Time to put on the costume
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7keletor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Beer time

I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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After telling my kids 3 times I finally said: β€œwhy isn’t the dishwasher running!?”

Because it doesn’t have any feet!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angry-gilmore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time

The spacebar

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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This makes me laugh every time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prowookie5000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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If you need to keep warm just make fun of yourself 8 times...

It's very insuleighting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derragon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swarly1999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Growing up, there was a time my parents couldn't pay the electric bill.

It was the darkest day of my life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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It is TIME!

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeeErvin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What did Sneezy say to Snow White the first time he met her?

Wow, you’re so pretty! I can’t stop looking ACHOO

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrNakMuay4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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I'll make sure to control my anger next time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkLad45
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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What's the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerfviking
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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Coming up with names for periods of time is really tiring.

The people who originally did it tried to figure out a word for a 24 hour period until sunset. Then they just gave up and called it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar

Third one ducks

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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The best time of day to ingest eggs is at the crack of dawn.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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Medieval (good) times

A king banished his personal fool for singing love songs. He wanted comedy not a romantic jester

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Everyone hates the taste of Fungus when they have it for the first time.

But believe me, it grows on you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chan-Chan-Man-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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I was going to tell you a time traveling joke

But you didn't like it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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I was going to tell a time traveling joke

But you guys didn't like it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crowshatemusic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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