Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?
Because you have a Tutankhamun.
Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
Guess they should read the bio next time
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if he’s okay. He said, “Yeah, I’m great!”
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
Was gonna tell you a time travelling joke but..
First time posting here, please be lentil.
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
Best way to keep track of epic times!
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
Here’s my favourite politically incorrect joke of all time.
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest American President.
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...she’s sorry she ever married me.
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
Whats the best time on a clock?
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before he’ll laugh?
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
Time to put on the costume
I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
After telling my kids 3 times I finally said: “why isn’t the dishwasher running!?”
Because it doesn’t have any feet!
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
This makes me laugh every time
If you need to keep warm just make fun of yourself 8 times...
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
Growing up, there was a time my parents couldn't pay the electric bill.
It was the darkest day of my life.
It is TIME!
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!!
What did Sneezy say to Snow White the first time he met her?
Wow, you’re so pretty! I can’t stop looking ACHOO
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Coming up with names for periods of time is really tiring.
The people who originally did it tried to figure out a word for a 24 hour period until sunset.
Then they just gave up and called it a day.
I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
The best time of day to ingest eggs is at the crack of dawn.
Medieval (good) times
A king banished his personal fool for singing love songs. He wanted comedy not a romantic jester
Everyone hates the taste of Fungus when they have it for the first time.
But believe me, it grows on you.
I was going to tell you a time traveling joke
I was going to tell a time traveling joke
But you guys didn't like it.