One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..

..this isn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 355
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.

As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.

They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.

One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:

"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"

She looked at him surprised and said:

"Well, you caught my eye."

πŸ‘︎ 100
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought

It’s half empty

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Akorical
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.

At least for the four-seeable future.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...

Turns out I have stereo.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TragedyMaskBand
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haimeows
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 871
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, after all this time, they finally came in! I guess I’m a dad now!
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elanstake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...

I’m really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
In college, I worked part time as a butcher's assistant.

You know, just to make ends meat.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.

I need a Plan B.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godkingmaker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 311
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
So I caught a frog and a toad having a great time in my backyard just the other day.

They were playing a game of croquet.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.

It was the Final Frontier

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I put my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealfakebodhi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessCuteButt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A hospital pun in these covid times!
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?

I said β€œIt’s pasture bedtime”.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Donald Trump should drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve

He certainly has plenty of experience

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DigThisMyBrother
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.

But it turns out, they're all below C level.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.

But that sort of thing stick in your mind.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...

"...mountains peak!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What can you get in these difficult times to make thing easier?

You can forget!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.

They fired all Naan essential staff.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
When is the best time in the morning to withdraw cash?

ATM

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Back in Times Old Roman...
πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.

This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
"In these unpresidented times..."
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomaplebar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My time in the Boy Scouts really made me a supporter of gay marriage

It’s where I learned you can tie the knot in different ways

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8675309ice
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make someone do something 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
An hour before 5 in the morning is the best time to cook a sweet potato.

Because it's For a Yam!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time the camper heard something rustle in the woods he shouted, "It's a grizzly!"

Guess he was a bit bearanoid.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Deejaydoug
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

πŸ‘︎ 746
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?

LED Zeppelin.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How much time is in one communist day?

24 ours

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chesthairdude
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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