One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Well, after all this time, they finally came in! I guess I’m a dad now!
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...
I’m really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.
In college, I worked part time as a butcher's assistant.
You know, just to make ends meat.
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
So I caught a frog and a toad having a great time in my backyard just the other day.
They were playing a game of croquet.
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.
It was the Final Frontier
Once upon a time in the jungle...
Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…
He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Every time I put my car in reverse.
What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?
A hospital pun in these covid times!
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
Donald Trump should drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve
He certainly has plenty of experience
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
What can you get in these difficult times to make thing easier?
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
When is the best time in the morning to withdraw cash?
Back in Times Old Roman...
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
In my free time, I like to help blind people.
"In these unpresidented times..."
My time in the Boy Scouts really made me a supporter of gay marriage
It’s where I learned you can tie the knot in different ways
How do you make someone do something 18 times in a row?
>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<
An hour before 5 in the morning is the best time to cook a sweet potato.
Every time the camper heard something rustle in the woods he shouted, "It's a grizzly!"
Guess he was a bit bearanoid.
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
How much time is in one communist day?
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
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