Now I consider myself a pretty bad person, But the guy who stole food from that birthday party over there

He takes the cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Checkmate
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megarex424
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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My sister dadjoked me pretty good over dinner.

I took my kid sister to In-N-Out for dinner. I asked for my burger with no pickles. I took a bite and said, "I definitely just bit into a pickle."

She looked at me and said, "Dill with it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wibbs1123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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I can relate to that last panel.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albenesi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
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Go throw a jar of Hellman's in the Lake!

Cuz it's Sinko de Mayo!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gkfifer
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
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At the Indian Restaurant

Me: I wonder if they would tell us how to make this bread.

Girlfriend: Actually I'm sure it's pretty easy!

Me: I don't know, we may have to sign a Naan Disclosure Agreement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PBest
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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Got my wife with a few in a row while my daughter was at her dance class..

So, my wife was telling about how disappointed she was at our kindergartener's "Spring Fling" party this year. She described this one "activity" Where the kids throw a roll of toilet paper and try to ring a toilet.

I remarked "Wow.. that -is- pretty shitty!" And she scolded me for using foul language. "Yea.. sorry for the potty mouth... I'll water it down next time.."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Father in law in the store.

So we're Swedish and this joke only works in Swedish (sorry). We went to buy some food, and the word liver has 2 meanings in Swedish ( lever - live and liver) So I said (pointing at the liver) Liver. He walk up to it and stares at it... And then he says nah looks pretty dead to me...

Sorry probably not so funny for you non sweeds..

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OHDEERGOAT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2014
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I have been to an asian restaurant last night

The food was great, service was excellent. It was just rather dark in there. I'm not quite sure what the register displayed as the amount I needed to pay. It was a pretty dim sum.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ib0T
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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My toddler was playing with her food at the dinner table...

She's not quite a year old, and clearly wasn't hungry anymore and was just playing with her food, including testing gravity, and just making a mess in general.

Then she started rubbing some on her face, and my wife says "Honey, stop putting the meat in your eye!"

I immediately respond "Well, it's more than meats the eye!"

Pretty sure she eyerolled so hard I could her her eyes falling out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Castun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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Dadjoke'd my dad at dinner tonight

So my whole family went out for the traditional Jewish Christmas Eve dinner of Chinese food, and I marveled at how good the place was, since we'd never tried it out before. Dad says it was a recommendation from a friend of his who I didn't know; I asked what she did and he said she was a 2-year old nursery school teacher.

I replied, "Wow, she must be pretty advanced for a 2-year old if they let her teach nursery school!" My step-mom laughed, then looked at me, then back at my dad, and went "well, he's definitely got your sense of humor."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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What's the difference between a sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich and a midget who sells food?

A sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich is pretty gross, but a midget who sells food is a little grocer

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greycar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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Me: 1 manager: 0

I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet.

Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like,

"Alright job, thanks to me".

I responded,

"Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager."

Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boy_Wonder22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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I told this one a while back..

My wife and I were eating mexican food. She had tacos but they were pretty messy. She bit into one and all of the fixings fell out onto the other tacos, cracking them apart. She says, "Aww man, my tacos broke." My response: "Well, I guess it's Nacho time!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dfiggsmeister
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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I mean, he did kill a lot of ants.

So I get back home from college this weekend and my mom was explaining to me how we had a pretty bad ant infestation coming in through our kitchen wall.

My dad proceeds to tell me that he's gone through two bags of ant bait (they pick the food up and bring it back to the hive) already.

I say, oh wow you must be getting pretty good at killing ants then, and he says "I guess you can just call me the master-baiter". I had to stop and literally applaud him. My mom just rolled her eyes as usual, but I have to give it to the old man this time.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Need_A_Blumpkin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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Dadjoked a cashier

I was out with some friends, we were grabbing some food at a local coffee shop. Their prices were fucking sweet, like three bucks for a sandwich. Anyway, I placed by order:

-$4.50 for a grilled cheese (heavenly)

-$3.00 for a small shake

-$0.60 tax

The cashier nods and says, "Thank you, that'll be $8.10"

I replied, "It's about to be ea-ten"

I'm pretty sure they spit in my food...

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LukeNukem99
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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Dad joked my wife after Medieval Times

The other night, my wife and I went to this corporate outing at Medieval Times with work. For those who don't know, it's a pretend jousting tournament with a bunch of food and no silverware unless you ask for it. The Knights also ride around on horseback and try to keep everyone involved and have a good time.

So one of the things they do, is give a 'favor' to to people in the audience. Typically, pretty ladies and little girls. My wife got such a favor (carnation). Gave her some mock jealousy, and our evening continued.

So on and our way home, I asked:

"So, how was your night? "

" It was pretty good. "

" Good. How about your evening? "

She's still glaring at me, three days later.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbossodin
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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Diners, drive-ins, and dad jokes

My gf and I were watching the food network when Guy Fieri comes on for a commercial. I start to rant about my general annoyance with him.

Me: "... yada, yada, yada... his hair just makes me..."

GF: "Fieri-ous?"

I had to stop mid rant because that was pretty good! I think my girlfriend became a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theKKrowd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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A normal dinner out

My dad and I have very similar tastes in food and always order the same thing at a local diner.

The last time we were there, when the waitress was about to give us our meals, my dad did his normal routine - he pointed to my plate and said, "no, I'm pretty sure that one is mine." Normally, the waitresses/waiters laugh. This waitress paniced and started to frantically apologize - until she saw my dad's shit eating grin.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GalvanTheFish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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Tomatoes

I feel pretty proud of this one.

Classmate to the entire class, interrupting the lesson: "Did you know that tomatoes went to the Supreme Court to decide if it was a fruit or vegetable?"
Me: "Don't you mean the food court?"

The class laughed pretty hard. I am only 15, so I'm not as good as some of you out there, but I am practicing!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howzieky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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I took this girl I was seeing out for some Indian food today.

Not being well-acquainted with Indian food, we ordered an appetizer at random. It was deep fried and we couldn't really tell what was in it.

Her: For all we know, we could be eating chicken eyes right now.

Me: Nah, I'm pretty sure I know how they look.

She sighed, but failed in stifling her smile.

I'm only twenty two, but I can feel the dadforce growing in me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehgreatiam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
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I hope I've found the right place for my Dad.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sokoteur
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2015
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My Dad trying to be clever in the Kitchen

My Dad and I were getting dinner ready when I quizzed him on how he seasoned the chicken and gravy mixture he was fawning over.

"Uh I haven't put anything in but the chicken, and the gravy."

"Were you going to season it?"

"Wasn't planning on it." he finished, apparently done with the conversation as his full attention was now on whatever football game was on. I decided if he wasn't going to take the initiative and make our food taste like something other than bland than I would.

"Here Dad put in some garlic," I said as i started grabbing spices from the cabinet.

"Some basil, salt, pepper, thyme... " I didn't see any thyme in here which was too bad because it would be just the thing for this.

"Hey DAD do we have any thyme left?" I asked him a little louder than I had been talking before.

"Time for what?" he asked, finally breaking his attention from the flat screen, a severely confused and almost worrried look cemented on his brow. And then, as quick as a camera lens closing to capture a shot, he winked.

.

.

.

TL;DR I'm pretty sure you have enough thyme to read it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erydayimredditing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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Two old dads at the grocery store

Two older gentlemen in my line at the grocery store were buying some food. One of them didn't have enough, and he told his friend he was a little short. His friend replied, "That's funny, you look pretty tall to me!" before cracking up and handing him a five. He didn't stop chuckling till he left the store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/morpen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2013
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Passing by a Restaurant

Mom: "What kind of restaurant is that?"

Me: "I'm pretty sure it's a Soul Food joint."

Mom: "Huh, looks like it's empty."

Dad: "No, it's actually pretty busy. It just looks empty because all of the customers are ghosts."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kris_Smith
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Auditing professor has his first kid on the way. He is prepared.

My auditing professor created a fictitious dog food company for us to audit because he has two golden retrievers he mentions pretty often. A student jokingly asks, "If your dogs eat this food, would that make them stakeholders in the company?" He replied, "Yes, they love steak."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsfinegan91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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Greek Yogurt Dad Joke

I was talking to my parents about what food I can eat in the morning, and how I'm pretty much limited to Greek Yogurt.

"Whats the difference between Greek Yogurt and Regular Yogurt?" Asked my dad.

"The bacteria is more cultured." explained mom

"What does that mean? Do they listen to classical music and frequent the art museum?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicken1672
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

The food was pretty good, but there's no atmosphere.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeptil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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