She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The dad says, "Of course. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"
..do you just get exhausted ?
There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting “Drink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again “Drink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said “He should have quit while he was a head”
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
...it went downhill from there.
He seams legit.
A fanby
They always wanted a father figure.
Until I noticed, it was slightly ajar.
Whenever he was good, his dad gave him 10p and a pat on the head. By the time he was sixteen, he had £786 and a flat head.
I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.
They need to get something off their chest
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
I guess the punch line was too long.
Bye, son.
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
It’s mostly remote work.
A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.
...because that's the center of a tent son.
Rajer
Get some taller ones!
The other yells, "Oh my god! It's a talking muffin!"
Because they don't have pockets.
Since I’m neither gender with cat ears, does that make me Nyan-binary?
I think I'll skip to track 2 now.
A ladder
Just thinking about it gives me chills.
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
So a Ute pulls into work with a massive turkey on the back in a cage. When the driver steps out to make their purchase I say: “I don’t know what you’re feeding that dog but he looks terrible!”
She didn’t even give me a courtesy laugh.
I’m surprised at how far I’ve come.
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Tell me why
I guess she wears the pants in the relationship.
Jack and the beans talk
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
