Excuse me, pun master coming through
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her she’s wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
Not mine. But always makes me giggle
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked “can you see me ok?”
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
(My Grandma called me just to tell me this one): Why did the farmer bury a lightbulb?
He wanted to grow a power plant
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
My friend tony asked me not to say his name backwards
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
I had to put my foot down.
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didn’t know he could.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
Me: the earth isn’t flat. Fiat Earther: correct. Me: huh? Fiat Earther: it’s the shape an italian car. Me: what?
Fiat Earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Know what my grandfather said to me, right before he kicked the bucket?
"How far ya think I can kick this bucket?"
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...
They're terms of endeerment.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
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