Me! Me! Me! Puns

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

I know he means well.

It's not like I did something

I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

Which was really weird because I’ve never met herbivore

I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on

Me: "Word".

I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"

I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

Such a random way to start a conversation.

I said "Hi pregnant, I'm going to be Dad"

Never mind she was just at the grocery store

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?

Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

Nope I got them all cut.

Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

It was very half-assed

He’ll come around, eventually.

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

I asked, 'Which is?'

'Exactly', he replied.

wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.

I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

I told her it was one night stand...

I told him they were the letters of recommendation.

It really means a lot.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Certainly," he replied.

I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

I said, "Honestly sir, I don't know. It's hard for me to keep track."

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

For I have synonymed.

“Nah, it’s probably womb temperature!"

My mom is digging a new well today so I need to annoy lift her spirits with some puns.

To get us started, I asked her if it was going "well" this morning. I'm sure you can do better!

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

I said it has its ups and downs.

How dairy

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

“You herd me.”

How dairy

My husband: I know, this trebuchet is amazing. Let's get our son!

I said “yes they are.”

I just don’t carrot all.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"

I said, "Ok, boomer."

I have my raisins

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

It finally Taurus apart

Sorry I’m late.

He's not dead, just really condescending.

I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.

I love watching the end credits of a movie.

The diagnosis came out of the purple.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

I said, “No, unless you Count Dracula.”

Cop: Yes. It’s quite a moving violation.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

...he’s really a big lyre.

What are your best dad jokes for the maternity visit? The baby is days away and I need an arsenal for these here finger guns (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

She’s a great chiropractor.

I was crushed by the news.

What a strange pair-a-docs.

What does it mean when you find horse shoes? It mean a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her!

It sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

I only have my shelf to blame.

cause i’ve Cena enough.

he was full of shit

I'm not buying it.

For him, it’s a touchy subject.

I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything

So I said "A ten pound bratwurst? I never sausage a thing!"

I thought it was an astute observation.

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.