If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
My wife got mad at me because I wouldnβt stop singing βIβm a Believerβ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Not mine. But always makes me giggle
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
This had me dying
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
This took me minutes too
π︎ 182
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
No need to thank me.
π︎ 232
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didnβt know he could.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around eventually.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 789
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees.He counted and gave me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra." That's a freebie.
π︎ 217
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin
Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital
π︎ 588
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
My wife asked me if I could sing all the songs from the Shrek soundtrack. I said "No, just some."
"... BODY once told me..."
π︎ 70
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 259
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
π︎ 237
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Me: Omg there's a wolf!
Wife: Where?
Me: No, the regular kind.
π︎ 195
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
π︎ 73
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!β I shot back...
π︎ 109
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My son asked me "Why are bananas such popular fruits?". I replied
"Because they have a peel".
π︎ 256
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
π︎ 314
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
π︎ 590
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
Let me just slide in
π︎ 101
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
My daughter told me Jim Morrison is overrated.
I told her not to slam The Doors in my house.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
π︎ 474
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day
Wife: whoβs skull is that
Me: a man named Phillip
Wife: whatβs in it?
Me: vodka and orange juice.
Wife: .......
Me: itβs a Phillips head screwdriver
π︎ 205
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Help me out: need some rockstar/music themed food puns for my 3 year oldβs birthday party!
Having a small party for my guitar and music obsessed soon-to-be 3 year old. Wanted to put some signs next to the food to make it more on-theme. Weβll be serving:
Chicken nuggets
PB&Js (in the shape of guitars)
Veggie tray
Fruit tray
Water & juice
Iβm struggling to think of stuff. So far I only have
Nirvana Nuggets (which I realize isnβt even a pun) and PB&J Richie Samboraches. Lame, I know π Help me out if you can think of any more!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
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